Better late than never
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
For the past 37 years I have read the Other Press student newspaper. It has brought me back from the brink of insanity during the “Good Television Show Shortage” of ’91, along with bringing me to tears during the “turning onions into newspaper” initiative in the ’80s. I have stuck with this newspaper for a large chunk of my life, no matter what I happened to be doing at the time, which, evidently, turned out to be very little. Unfortunately, I have had something on my mind for quite a while, and only now do I have the courage to express my thoughts.
Over the years I’ve seen your brilliant advancement in news coverage and how your illustrations just keep improving as the years pass, but there’s one thing I haven’t seen change for the better. In all my 37 years of reading your fine publication, the taste of your paper has never gotten any better.
I’ve tried frying it, I’ve tried putting it in stews, yet nothing improves the flavour of your pages. I’ve tried shredding it and cubing it. I’ve tried folding it into paper swans and eating those raw. I’ve tried mailing it to myself and eating it after it’s been around the block and touched by the hands of several mail deliverers. I’ve also tried eating only certain parts of the paper, keeping away from ink-heavy sections such as large illustrations, or the recently defunct sports section, but alas, this does not change the taste, although it kept my hospital visits down to a minimum for some unknown reason. I’ve tried just eating the food-related articles, thinking that maybe they would taste better, but my attempts have proven to be useless.
I’ve asked for advice from anyone who would listen. I am determined to make it work, but all I keep being told is “Just stop eating the newspaper,” and “I just want to ride the bus, stop talking to me,” or “Please stop phoning 911, this isn’t what this line is meant for,” and none of these options seem right to me. So, I am writing to you to not only give you some well-needed insight into your customer base, but also seek your help in improving everyone’s newspaper experience. I’ll be honest, I’ve thought about giving up on you. I thought about seeking other newspapers to eat, magazines even, but I don’t want to give up on your newspaper, no matter what it tastes like, no matter what any person or concerned doctor says. I will stick with you and we can figure this out. That’s a promise.