In an effort to provide you with better news coverage and put three writers out of work, The Other Press presents Live Wires, the best news stories from around the world that we could print for pennies on the dollar.
Edited By Liam Britten, Humour Editor
Canadian Army secures second-hand catapults from Byzantine Empire
Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay announced that the government had just inked a deal with the Byzantine Empire to secure 40 second-hand catapults to upgrade the nation’s armouries.
“With a range of over 300 metres and the capability to fire both lead shot or loose stone, these new catapults will finally put Canada on the same level as many other international powers,” the Minister said. “The Thracians, Spartans, Visigoths, and even the Huns will have to respect Canada’s military might now.”
Although the Minister was optimistic about the future of Canada’s new medieval weaponry, the memory of Canada’s ill-fated purchase of broken-down British submarines is still fresh. MacKay said that while the new arms are needed, it was important to make sure the Byzantines were playing fair.
“While the Canadian government has great faith in the honesty and integrity of his majesty and his sakellarios and strategos, we have to do our due diligence,” MacKay said. “His majesty has agreed that if the catapults are found to be in unacceptable condition, his government will surrender four galleons to Canada, loaded with spices and silks from the exotic Orient, as well as the Despotate of Epirus.”
—Associated Associates
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Diablo III lives up to expectations of disappointed expectations
With over 7 million players enjoying their newest game, and over 6 million of them completely pissed off, Blizzard Entertainment is calling their latest offering, Diablo III, a complete success.
The game has been plagued by technical problems, some preventing play entirely, as well as controversy over digital rights management issues.
These problems have completely vindicated the game in the eyes of most industry observers.
“A game with as much anticipation and expectations associated with it like Diablo III will always disappoint the legions of nerds who stake their entire well-being on it living up to an impossible standard,” wrote PostMedia blogger Patrick O’Rourke. “But this game has just about every dork, nerd, spaz geek and career masturbator up in arms. I mean, we expected most of them would be, but this many? Didn’t see that coming. A complete triumph.”
Blizzard’s next project is rumoured to be a World of Warcraft-style game adapted for the Diablo universe. Blizzard plans to release it in 2017 to increase expectations even further, and hopes to achieve 90 per cent disappointment.
—QMI WTF