Fauxroscopes: June edition



Don’t let things bother you today. Just live in the future. That presentation that was worth 45 per cent of your final grade certainly won’t matter 100 years from now.




Find a wide-open field to frolic in today. You should also wear a white dress even if you’re a male. That way, you’ll be prepared for your starring role in an old sanitary napkin commercial.




Tap into some electrifying energy today by sticking your finger in a light socket. It may be the last burst of energy you’ll ever get!




A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met. So go ahead, pick up that hitchhiker on the side of the road! I’m sure that “Stabby the Clown” is just an affectionate nickname.




You’re taking off to the stars today! Those mad scientists needed another temp agency worker for their space experiment. On the bright side, you’ll meet some wisecracking robots!




Hmm. It appears that after trying my Perfectly Legitimate™ Chinese spring cure, you’ve been turned into the opposite gender. Get ready for some wacky misadventures and an ongoing romantic subplot that won’t end until the final chapter of your life.




Your words have a lot of power today. But don’t get too cocky. Another infamous person’s words had a lot of power behind them as well. That old lady that said “Where’s the Beef?” is still influencing young people’s fast food choices across the globe.




It’s time to get out of the dirt. I know you think living aboveground is too mainstream, but I’ve also heard that the moles you’ve been living with have been complaining about you not paying your share of the rent.




Don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. You’re playing a game of Solitaire.




Today can bring anything, but just not the dry, hot sun over the Lower Mainland.




Make sure that you do everything equally today. For every old lady you help cross the street, you’ll have to push the same number of old ladies into traffic.




Now’s the time to stop and rest a while. Midterms won’t be for another week and a bit. Try to invent a new drinking game!


With files from Livia Turnbull.