Livewires: September Edition

Peyton Manning furniture, the butter shortage, and the political debate

By Eric Wilkins, Struggling Journalist

…because why publish fresh, local content when you can pull an article from the newswire used by hundreds of papers across the country?

Peyton Manning furniture line

Former Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has decided to finally call it quits on his NFL career. The future Hall-of-Famer cited a “unique business opportunity” as one of the main reasons for his departure from the game.

Sources have discovered that said business opportunity is a brand new furniture company that specializes in armless chairs. The chairs are also designed from one piece of material to, “reduce the choking hazard.” The company reportedly has had difficulty getting started though, as every time Manning has prepared to sign the fresh contracts, he’s changed the call at the line.

Julia Childs cookbooks banned

The Butter Regulation Board (BRB) has taken the next step in Canada’s recent butter shortage. With supplies dwindling countrywide, the BRB has banned the sale of any book by, or featuring recipes by, Julia Childs.

BRB chairman Mel Tee commented on the matter, saying, “At this point in time, the country simply can’t support such cooking. This measure is an effort to get people out of the superfluous butter usage mindset.”

Tee later singled out several recipes, noting that many were nothing more than pots of butter with random food tossed in.

Highlights from the latest political debate

The latest political debate, shown by CTV, took place in Vancouver last week. CBC was set to air the showdown, but even with the sale of their studios, the broadcaster found the Vancouver rental scene too expensive to be viable.  

Each leader left at least one golden moment for viewers at various times in the proceedings. Prime Minister Stephen Harper was asked to show his business card at one point. Upon producing it he was asked what paper it was printed on; he replied, “Old stock.”

When offered an opportunity to question an opponent on an area of weakness, Justin Trudeau immediately brought up the federal budget.

Thomas Mulcair went on a long tirade bashing the Conservatives before quietly commenting that he was open to the idea of pipelines.

The Green Party lodged a formal complaint as to why they weren’t invited… along with every other party that earned one or fewer seats during the last election.