Fake news for real college students
By Alexia Barnes, Contributor
A welcoming community where the sun beats down on an unforgiving hill, the moon gets occasionally shrouded, and mysterious beams are cast down from the sky as we all attempt to study.
Welcome to Douglas College.
Student Council has announced that there is to be a Cat Café on the corner of Carnarvon St. and Eighth St.
No matter how enticing and friendly the Cat Café seems, cats are not allowed inside. People are not allowed in the Cat Café. One may see hooded silhouettes. Do not approach the windows or the door. A suspicious smoke may leak through the crevices, and nobody should inhale this. Please refrain from looking at the Cat Café, and for no period of time should you look at the silhouettes. The Cat Café will not hurt you.
Now, onto news.
Old Charlie—the man who orders the same cold cuts sandwich every day from the Subway across the street—says that winged beasts have revealed themselves to him. He has said they are over 10 feet tall, incandescent, and one of them left a glittering residue wherever it walked. These beasts helped Old Charlie with various chores at his house. One of them replaced a kitchen faucet. Old Charlie is now selling said faucet. It was touched by the glittering beast, if that sweetens the deal. If interested, please contact Old Charlie. He is at Subway, eating a cold cut sandwich.
A new student, among many, has enrolled today. Nobody could tell their actual gender, but they were beautifully androgynous. Who are they? What do they want? Why the perfect, shiny blonde hair? Why the perfect, streamlined coat? They claim they are a physics major. We’ve all been physics majors at some points in our lives. But why now? Why here? And what do they plan to do with the alarmingly large blue backpack they have on? Or all the lurking around Tre Galli Gelato Caffe? No one does gelato like Tre Galli. No one.
This is a friendly reminder to all the parents out there. Let’s talk about safety when taking your children to see the Friendship Gardens. You need to give them a healthy amount of water, and enough social time with friends who are coincidentally there. Keep an eye on the helicopter colours. Are the helicopters black? Most likely an engineering class on a field trip. Please be respectful, as the students are hard at work. Are they olive green and slate grey? That is the Student Council. They are just there to ensure that you and your kids are safe, and they rarely ever take one. Are the helicopters a bit small and have murals of eagles and falcons? Nobody knows exactly what they are or what they want from us. Do not visit the garden. Go home, lock the doors and wait for a student ambassador with a blazer on to leave a daisy in front of your door, signifying your family is safe. Cover your ears to block out the screaming. Also, remember that Dr. Pepper is basically a sports drink, so give your kids plain old water and some apple slices when they play.
The sun didn’t set at the correct time today, the—now confirmed gender fluid—physics major reported. They are certain of it. Pulling many clocks out of their backpack, they are definitely sure the sun set 10 minutes later than it was supposed to. There was no real concrete reasoning though. They mostly sat with other science majors in a circle, staring at a desk clock and the sun drawn on a piece of paper, grunting, murmuring, and humming. Still, we must be grateful we have the sun. It is easy to forget about it with our busy schedules. Life would actually be slightly harder for us without it.
Student Council would like to inform everyone about the Tiered Heavens and about the hierarchy of angels. The reminder is that you should know nothing about the angels. The structure of Heaven and the Structural Angelic Organizational chart is privileged information meant only for Student Council, and is on a need-to-know basis. Please do not speak to or acknowledge any angels at the Riverside Market or the Old Spaghetti Factory. Angels only tell lies and do not exist.
We here at the Other Press assume that the evenings this week will settle into beautiful, clear nights. We hope all of you out there have someone you can sleep through it with, or at least have good memories of hypothetically sleeping.
Good luck, Douglas. Good luck.