Doesn’t mind the subject matter so much, just wishes for some variety
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
A telepathic student who wishes to remain anonymous (and so shall be referred to as “Anonymous Student” in this article) has come forward with a request for fellow classmates: For them to daydream about something other than sex during boring lectures.
“I get it, we’re all adults here in the prime of our sexual maturity, or whatever,” said Anonymous Student in a written statement posted online this past weekend. “But it’s getting kind of old is the thing.”
Anonymous Student explained in their missive that they have been telepathic their whole life, and thus have had to contend with the imaginations of others interfering with their waking thoughts ever since they were born.
“It wasn’t so bad in elementary school,” said Anonymous Student. “I mean, most of what you’d get would be reruns of cartoons that whoever was daydreaming had watched that morning, or those really fantastic self-insert adventure fantasies where the whole school would catch on fire, and that one kid would somehow save everyone and become the town hero. Those have always been my favourite, honestly. Then we got a bit older, and the self-insert fantasies usually had something to do with some kind of axe murderer breaking into the classroom, and that one nerd kid at the back of the class somehow showing off some previously unknown martial arts skills to kick the guy’s ass—again, becoming the town hero in the process. But everything changed when we all hit puberty; and I mean, everything.”
High school was apparently so bad for sexual content—misinformed, poorly choreographed sexual content—that Anonymous Student would end up leaving school to complete their secondary school curriculum at home.
“Seriously, you could just tell who’d stayed up the night before watching PornHub, or reading slash fanfiction written by straight people,” said Anonymous Student. “At one point I just cracked and shouted ‘Lube exists for a reason, you fools!’ in the middle of chemistry class, and, well. There wasn’t any recovering from that, was there?”
Anonymous Student eventually returned to public education after a few rest years in a mysterious monastery for mind-readers, where they learned to block out the majority of their classmate’s thoughts.
“It’s more of a running backtrack in my head, now,” said Anonymous Student. “It isn’t quite so overwhelming. And people seem to have their shit together a bit more now, sex-wise. Still, it’s mostly just boring. The second that a 15-minute video on sustainable development goes up on the projector, bam! It’s like, ‘Let’s all think about our genitals. Or other people’s genitals. Or inflation porn.’ Seriously, what the fuck, DeviantArt people? You know who you are.”
Anonymous Student had a few final comments and requests.
“I’m not saying don’t think about sex, guys, it’s your mind to do whatever the hell you want with, but why can’t we get back to some of those great self-insert escapist fantasies? You maladaptive daydreamers with your entire worlds and alternate universes are fantastic. Dungeon Masters planning campaigns, I love you. Fanfiction writers, at least I get a little romance before the inevitable trip to Poundtown.”
“Finally, I’d just like to say thank you to those people who account for me—you know, apologizing in your head to any mind readers in the room before getting all NSFW up in there. We really appreciate that. And of course, big thumbs up to the asexuals out there. You’re a joy to have in class.”