With reports of dire global consequences in just over a decade, media struggles to… oh, shiny…
By Bex Peterson, Editor-in-Chief
The Strawmen Coalition of Politician Stand-Ins held their weekly press conference today, this time to address growing concerns about the state of our environment and humanity’s impact on impending global climate change.
The conference was called after a week of desperate distraction tactics, including (but not limited to): Inviting deeply troubled musicians to political seats of power; mocking sexual assault survivors at rallies; spouting conspiracy theories about paid protestors; claiming an entire political party that a majority of the country supported in the last election is too unstable to govern; and praising a genocidal historical figure famous for mistaking one continent for another by calling him an accomplished navigator. Finally, after all this, the media banded together and sat the Strawmen down to properly address the studies released by many credible scientific sources that called for an overwhelming and radical change to how humanity lives and interacts with the planet.
“I mean, we’ve been saying this for years,” said climate science correspondent Dr. Cassandra Tolduso, when asked by the Other Press to comment on the matter. “This really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Still, if it gets people to talk about fundamentally changing the world so 90 percent of the population doesn’t die in a series of natural disasters the likes of which we’ve never seen, I’m willing to pretend like this is all breaking news.”
The Strawmen were three hours late to the conference, and were eventually dragged in by the media police-
(“I told you!” shouted President Tangerine Strawman as he was forced into his seat. “I told you there was a literal liberal media police!”)
-who may or may not exist, we neither confirm nor deny.
The press conference was quickly derailed as the Strawmen first asked to go to the washroom, then to be provided with glasses of water, which they drank then claimed they needed to use the washroom again, after which they were deprived any liquids whatsoever, so they couldn’t keep using that excuse. After another hour of trying to talk about literally anything else (during which President Tangerine loudly proclaimed, again, that he might maybe perhaps drop a nuclear bomb on North Korea, though very few in the audience took this threat seriously), the Strawmen were asked to please for the love of God stop talking.
“All we want to know,” said journalist Soti Red, weeping openly in frustration, “is if you’ve read the reports on climate change and what you plan to do about them. Please remember in your answers that we have a time limit, as in a dozen years it will be too late to fix things.”
The Strawmen looked at one another and proceeded to pull key rings from their pockets, shaking them vigorously in front of the crowd.
“They’re just stalling!” Red shouted as the journalists around her began cooing in fascination. “I’m begging you, we have to stay on topic here! Millions if not billions of lives are at risk!”
No one seemed able to pay attention, as the sight of the jingling keys distracted all in the room. This reporter for the Other Press of course tried their best to resist, but… oh, the way the lights dance off the metal… it’s just so pretty… what were we talking about? I’m sure it wasn’t important…