Pumpkin spice lattes scientifically proven to be made from orphan tears and crushed dreams

Now pumpkin spice denouncers have a legitimate reason to complain about the popular drink

By Rebecca Peterson, Interim Humour Editor

A recent study has shown that there is nothing innocent about pumpkin spice lattes.

“We conducted this study because there seemed to be a large amount of people violently denouncing pumpkin spice lattes as if it was some kind of controversial product,” Dr. Fred I. Stein explained to the Other Press last weekend. “Honestly, angry white guys would go on essay-length Facebook rants about fall-themed overpriced coffee. It was absurd. But we thought, ‘Where there’s smoke, there might be fire,’ so we opened an investigation.”

The study showed that while there is, as expected, a reasonable amount of coffee, whipped cream, and spices in your average PSL, there are also several ingredients whose percentages far surpass acceptable levels set down by the Canadian Board of Health. For example, 1.8 per cent of the drink is made up of the tears of orphans under the age of 7, exceeding government regulations by 0.7 per cent. There are also significant amounts of Monsanto corruption (0.9 per cent), crushed kitten dreams (1.2 per cent), and a whopping 3.4 per cent of stress-sweat induced by a 24-year old’s quarter life crisis.

“These ingredients are common in many popular products these days, but not in these amounts,” Dr. Stein explained. “It’s completely unacceptable. Something has to be done about all this.”

Many past complainers who were eager to share their opinions regarding the ingredient revelations took to Facebook, penning several more editorial-style articles explaining how PSLs were “literally ruining lives” and “the worst thing about fall—possibly the worst thing about living on Earth as a human being in the 21st century.”

However, those who enjoy the drink seemed relatively indifferent when told about the contents of their coffee cup.

“It tastes good,” said one Starbucks customer, sipping at her pumpkin spice latte with a careless shrug. “I literally have no idea what people are getting worked up about. It’s just coffee.”