Get your clothes steamer ready!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
You’ve seen them, you’ve idolized them—now could be your chance to become one! So many women who are much better than you are pulling off all-linen outfits that should make them look like a medieval monk working in a winery, or a scary reverend possessed by the spirit of a small Scottish girl. Instead? They are the very epitome of grace and beauty, cool as cucumbers; meanwhile, sweat pours down the back of your vintage jorts. Think you have what it takes to look like a beautiful Spanish woman from the countryside? Take this quiz to find out!
How do you cut your hair?
- a) $50-plus salon treatment
- b) First Choice Haircutters, Great Clips, et cetera
- c) My mom’s friend Paula who I’ve been seeing for the past five years
- d) I grab a pair of kitchen scissors and just hack away back there
What is your ideal vacation?
- a) Somewhere trendy and far away, like Tokyo
- b) Camping on Vancouver Island
- c) Staycation where I just get drunk with my friends
- d) Guided Twilight tour of Forks, Washington
You’re playing a DJ set! What do you spin?
- a) Hard pop, it’s what the people want
- b) ’80s smash hits, that’s really what the people want
- c) Meme songs like “Old Town Road” and “All-Star,” that’s what the people really want
- d) I don’t care what the people want, I’m playing Aphex Twin B-sides and Lo-Fi Hip Hop Beats for Study and Chill the entire night and everyone can just shut up about it
Someone who you suspect doesn’t like you takes a screenshot of your Instagram story where you look less than cute. What do you do?
- a) Ignore it, how embarrassing for them
- b) Send a lone “?” so they know that you know what they’ve done
- c) Send a passive-aggressive, no caps “lol what do u want” so they REALLY know they’ve messed up
- d) Take a screenshot of their screenshot and roast them on your story, then save it on your Highlights under the caption “JUDAS” until you die
Your cousin is having a baby! What do you suggest she name it?
- a) Something classic like Jack or Emma
- b) Something trendy like Oliver or Poppy
- c) Something cool like Max or Gwen
- d) Almond
Go for it, bitch! Your somewhat drab personality will look great showcased by the world’s most finicky fabric. Grab your linen jumpsuit, overcoat, canvas shoes, and tote bag, because you’ve got a bevy of farmers markets to conquer on your lunch break. The world is your natural-fibre oyster!
How ’bout you start with some linen accessories first? Instead of jumping whole-hog into what could be a fashion disaster for yourself, take a step back and think: Is this really me? Do I have the patience, wisdom, and thin hair to be someone who says “namaste” in linen trousers? Try wearing a fast-fashion linen jacket from H&M first to see how you feel.
Outlook not so good. You seem like someone who would spill an entire bowl of spaghetti on their clothes, even if you were nowhere near pasta all day. Linen is a tricky fabric because if you even look at it wrong, it’ll wrinkle faster than my under-eyes in the sun. Why don’t you try growing up and acting mature for once in your life, you cotton-poly-blend bitch?
You should be wearing a full wetsuit at any given time or rolling yourself in that clear plastic that old people keep on their couches. The world isn’t ready for you to wear linen, and frankly, it barely looks good on anyone, so why even try? Look for clothes that are stainproof, fireproof, and indestructible, or else just go nude all summer.