Bang, bang, baby!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Haven’t had enough shirtless men yelling at you this summer? Reach your quota by going to see the Vancouver fireworks! Yes, instead of cramming shoulder-to-shoulder in a packed SkyTrain car and heading downtown like cattle you could just YouTube “fireworks show” from the comfort of your own bed—but what’s the fun in that? Thanks to a childhood full of trauma, I myself am unable to attend the fireworks as I am scared of loud noises, flashes of light, and seeing exposed knees. But you should definitely go. For real. I mean, what’s not to love, right?
What is your favourite kind of firework?
a) classic star
b) the ones with the long tails
c) cowboy boot
d) the illegal ones I set off in my backyard
What are you drinking at the fireworks?
a) hot chocolate with marshmallows in a reusable stojo cup
b) hot chocolate with marshmallows in a reusable stojo cup, but there’s also a lil’ Baileys in there
c) my dick friends iced me with a Smirnoff Ice
d) I’m on MDMA
Are you going to take pictures of the fireworks?
a) yes, on my iPad, and I’m going to hold it really far in front of my face
b) yes, on my phone
c) no, but I’m going to record a bit on Instagram Live
d) I’m going to take pictures of people taking pictures of fireworks on their iPads that they hold really far in front of their faces
Are you in a committed relationship?
a) yes, we have been together for over two months
b) yes, but we just started seeing each other
c) no, but I’m on Tinder/Bumble/dating apps
d) I’m an ethical non-monogamist
A child is acting up before the fireworks have even started. What do you do?
a) nothing, it’s a family event
b) politely ask their parents to calm them down
c) loudly talk about how annoying children are and how you never want to have them
d) throw a cherry bomb at their feet to scare them
Do you honestly think fireworks are cool?
a) yes! They’re magical!
b) they’re nice to watch every once in a while
c) no, I just want to get rowdy outside
d) yes, I set them off for every holiday I deem appropriate, including Remembrance Day, Valentine’s Day, and Sadie Hawkins day even though it isn’t even a Canadian holiday
As a late 20s to early 30s white person who owns a French bulldog, you are legally obligated to go the fireworks. Much like jury duty, you will receive a letter in the mail detailing when you must attend, where you have to sit, and how you have to react to each firework. Failure to comply will result in your driver’s licence being taken away, and also you will be banned from Yaletown.
You can go, but only if you bring a date and make sure people know you’re only going to make them happy. You can only appear to be at a maximum of 75 percent happiness throughout the show. You MUST bring a big wool blanket to sit on and a dumb little picnic basket like the show is just for you too, even though there’s a drunk teenager passed out directly to your left.
Hell yeah, brother! Roll on down to the fireworks and get absolutely blasted (ha, get it?). Public outings like this are only good for one thing: Having so many people drinking in one place that it’s pretty much impossible to get caught by the cops. Feel free to get as rowdy as you want, especially to piss off all those NORMIES who go on elaborate dates to these things like they single-handedly put the entire show on themselves.
This night is for YOU! You’ve been saving fireworks up in your mom’s garage all season, and now it’s time to put on your own little show. You know all of those weird firework shops that pop up around Halloween? You’re either their number one customer or you own one yourself. Sure, you might be a little too into burning things and you have a weird look in your eyes at all times, but it’s firework season, baby! Time to let loose!