Do you really want bangs, or do you just have a lot of emotions?
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Bangs are high risk/high reward, and if there’s one thing I like, it’s being high. Wait, no. Let me start again—there’s nothing I love more than a potentially life-altering decision that can be made in the blink of an eye and can turn into something I can bitch about for the next three months.
Tired of looking up “round face Asian hair bangs” on Pinterest for the 20th time? Maybe it’s time to take the plunge… or maybe you’re just bored and need something to latch onto as we float through space on this big rock called Earth. Still not sure? Take my quiz to find out what you should do! Remember, bangs or not—you’ll always be ugly.
When was the last time you went through a breakup?
a) less than a month ago
b) a few months ago
c) I’m still in a relationship with the love of my LIFE aka mySELF hahahhaha
When you order Neapolitan ice cream, which flavour do you eat first?
c) make it into ice cream soup and drink it through a straw
Which Jersey Shore cast member do you most identify with?
a) Pauly D
c) The twins Pauly and Mike “The Situation” brought home in season four
Spring is here! You’re looking forward to:
a) cherry blossom season
b) some nice weather
c) climbing into trees and stealing birds’ eggs to make into a nice foraged omelette
Don’t get bangs! An extremely hurtful Vice article once told me that hair parted in the middle was the “only flattering look” and that bangs looked like a “children’s drawing” of what hair should look like. This article sucked and I came across it right after I got bangs, so it really got me where it hurts. Don’t do what I did and instead be happy with the haircut you have right now!
Get some light bangs that you can easily tuck behind your ears if needed. Gone are the blunt-ass bangs of yesteryear (fuck you Zooey Deschanel [apologizes to my editors for all the swears in here]); here to stay are wispy, romantic bangs that scream, “I’ve never used a public restroom and I never will!” Congratulations!
Grab ye olde straight razor and shave your damn head! Hair only binds us to this human coil and there’s nothing like being freed from your chains. It’s time to take back what you are owed and shave the middle of your head like George Costanza from Seinfeld. Nothing’s sexier than looking like a middle-aged accountant—I can attest to that!