Can I sign your cast?
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Ouch! With all the wholesome summer activities out there like biking, beaching, and drinking a six-pack of canned vodka sodas in the park alone at 11 pm, it’s inevitable that you’ll sustain some kind of injury before the season is out. Like all things during the summer, the sun makes injuries and bedrest seem so much more fun, vibrant, and romantic than if you had to deal with them during the winter! Take this quiz to make sure you pick the right injury for you and be sure to shoot me a text once you’ve spent three consecutive weeks in bed and your standards are severely lowered 😉
What is your ice cream truck order?
b) Firecracker popsicle
c) that SpongeBob popsicle that looks like SpongeBob if he ran headfirst into a moving vehicle
d) you’re driving the ice cream truck
You’re at the nude beach! You:
a) turn around and go home
b) wear a slightly racier swimsuit
c) are already topless, baby!
d) live in a tent on the left side of the beach for the remainder of the summer
Family visits from out of town. To show them around, you take them to:
a) a nice park for a stroll in the sunshine
b) your favourite restaurants and bars
c) a music festival to really show them a good time
d) your tent on the left side of the nude beach where you’ve been living all summer
Uh oh! It’s going to rain on Sunday. What’s your plan?
a) enjoy it! You were looking forward to cooler weather
b) it’s a bummer, but variety is the spice of life
c) moodily stay inside and watch horror movies
d) fortify your tent on the side of the nude beach
You’re in charge of throwing a summer party. Your theme is:
a) bonfire! You and all your pals drink hot chocolate around a safely maintained beach fire that you have all the permits for
b) glow party! Everyone brings glowsticks and you release compostable lanterns into the sky
c) pub crawl! You hit up all your favourite patios and get sloppy drunk
d) you invite everyone to your beach tent for a no-holds-barred Bacchanalia, where you participate in a 20-plus person orgy under the light of the harvest moon
Mostly “A”s: Summer cold
What is it about summer colds that make them so much worse than winter colds? While all of your friends are out having a good time, you’ll be stuck inside like a loser watching Gilmore Girls on a loop. You’ll look for sympathy, but no one will care about your boring ass while you waste away. Sorry about it!
Mostly “B”s: Sprained ankle
An extra-annoying injury, sprained ankles get all the fun of being sore yet without the visible signs of injury so everyone around you thinks you’re just being a big baby. You don’t even get, like, a crutch or anything. While you hobble around clumsily, you can be secure in your knowledge that you look dumb as hell.
Mostly “C”s: Broken wrist
For some reason, I remember being very attracted to people with casts in elementary school. Why? Maybe because they seemed like badass risk-takers, or maybe I have an unearthed mummy fetish. Either way, your injury could pass as a cool fashion accessory if you accessorize well, and it’s severe enough to score you a couple of weeks off work. Enjoy!
Mostly “D”s: Head-to-toe sunburn
Wow, that’s… commitment? Forget tan lines, you should just be worried about the state of your remaining skin once the burn heals up. Once September hits, you’ll be able to shed your withered skin like a snake and slide like a fresh newborn back into the ocean waves from whence you came. See you in 2020!