Releasing more expensive stuff that no one asked for

Apple introduces even more products

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Mere weeks after announcing the brand new product “Apple Watch,” Apple has announced a slew of even more innovative, interesting, and inane products for the consumer market.

Apple Bottom Jeans: These $449 jeans are recommended to be worn with boots with da fur. This allows the consumer to have the whole club be looking at them. They’ll hit the floor and next thing you know, consumers get low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

Apple Tree: A tree compatible with other Apple products starting at only $449. Trees made by Apple’s competitors grow fruit, provide oxygen, and generally look nice. The Apple Tree is not compatible with non-Apple plants, but comes in a stylish white.

Apple Pie: It’s like a regular pie, except it costs $449 and is white. This pie is a delicious recommendation for Thanksgiving, drunk nights at McDonald’s, and sexual frustration (soon to be compatible with Siri!).

Apple Sauce: An official licensed sauce that’s white, difficult to spread on non-Apple toast, and costs $449.

Apple Cider: A seasonal product for autumn, although available at the Apple store and Starbucks year-round for just $449 (much cheaper than Starbucks original non-licensed apple cider).

Big Apple: After a successful and expensive legal battle, Apple is now selling the city of New York at all licensed retailers. An Apple spokesperson allegedly was quoted as saying, “New Yorkers are so busy texting on their iPhones and checking the time on their Apple watches that they probably won’t even notice.” The city is available to consumers for only $449. “It’s a more reasonable price than some beads and trinkets.”

How Do You Like Them Apples?: For only $449, a genuine licensed Genius Apple employee will follow you around and remark “How do you like them Apples?” whenever the user is shocked at something (such as the high price of a product).

Candy Apple: An official Apple product dipped in caramel and put on a (Apple branded) stick. Available at all licensed retailers and carnivals starting at just $449.

Fiona Apple: Her music already being a staple in Apple stores everywhere, Fiona Apple can now be yours starting at $449 (whining and confusing music videos not included).

Adam’s Apple: Prepubescent boys and anyone who has another brand are the target market for the lump in a male’s throat available from Apple now for just $449.

Consumer and critic interest has been met with mixed to negative reviews. The products have been described using such phrases as “bizarre,” “expensive,” “useless,” “ridiculous,” “hilarious,” and “I thought they sold computers.”

Despite such criticisms, Apple is projected to sell several million units of each product and release slightly updated, more expensive versions yearly.

Competitors have already started branching out into non-tech markets. BlackBerry has purchased bushes and jams; Windows is buying panes; Amazon is acquiring rainforests, rivers, and warriors; and Samsung is purchasing galaxies. Google seems remarkably nonchalant about the whole affair, remarking “we already own everything anyway.”

Disclaimer: sadly, it doesn’t look like we’ll actually be getting Apple Bottom Jeans, Apple Pie, or How Do You Like Them Apples? anytime soon. But a jokester can dream!