‘Riverdale’ to focus solely on kissing

‘Riverdale’ still

‘Screw the plot, I wanna see these kids French,’ says fan

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

The popular television show Riverdale announced last Sunday that it was dropping all existing storylines to focus on the teen characters making out.

Since the show’s debut in 2017, both writers and viewers alike have been trying to suss out which direction the young adult drama is heading in.

“Romance? Mystery? Horror? We really have no idea at this point,” new executive producer Greta Rüm told reporters at a press release. “We just know how to make two actors kiss.”

Fans of the show have been treated to weekly installments of some character getting it on with another. Rüm explained the process: “We put all of their names into a hat and draw them in pairs. Then we just hope for the best.”

Much like the original Archie Andrews from the quintessential American comic books, Riverdale’s Archie really gets down and dirty in the idyllic town of Riverdale, US. Archie’s current paramour is none other than the spoiled sweetheart Veronica Lodge, heiress to the Lodge Industries fortune. Viewers got to see their budding romance bloom, culminating in at least one drawn-out horizontal kissing scene every episode.

“We already had them macking on each other for an estimated 12 minutes a show,” Rüm said. “We thought, why not just draw that out for 20 more?”

Many storylines have been explored over the show’s two seasons. The town of Riverdale is currently divided by gang wars and land disputes, punctuated by a recurring serial killer and what appears to be either supernatural elements or one very long fever dream. “But that’s all in the past,” says Rüm. “We’re scrapping all the of the current arcs and weird loose ends to really focus on these kids sucking face. Just really getting up in there.”

Under this new model, the show plans to continue its faithful portrayal of Jughead Jones, Archie’s closest friend and self-proclaimed “woman hater.” Jughead, an iconic character known best for his passion for food and recently revealed in the comics to be canonically asexual, is often shown making out with and grinding with his girlfriend Betty Cooper for as long as each 42 to 46-minute episode will allow.

“Yeah, so we’re thinking that, but like… more of it,” said Rüm.

Longtime viewers of the show were accepting of the show’s weirdly drawn-out expressions of sexuality. Superfan and teenager Jonathan Gates told the Other Press: “I love that the actors are clearly young adults playing 16-year-olds. It gives me healthy expectations about how I should look and act at my age.”

Gates mentioned that he has never kissed a girl but hopes to before graduation.

When questioned if the replacement of PG-13 teenage grappling in lieu of any and all plots was the best move for the show, Rüm stood by her decision.

“We’ve really mucked it up in the past. What about the whole secret agent thing from season two that lasted for seven whole episodes and went nowhere? Or how about giving Cheryl Blossom a bow and arrow? No, this is a much better move for us. For God’s sakes, we named a drug Jingle Jangle and people kept watching. I think they’re gonna stick around for this.”