Seasonal affective disorder lifted for glorious three-day stretch

My serotonin… My serotonin!

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Thanks to a recent bout of startlingly good weather, Vancouver’s citywide depression has been momentarily lifted.

Other Press reporters spoke to sociologist Mary Fraser to explain the welcome phenomenon.

“You might not have noticed, but before March, the sun was setting at about 2 pm every single day,” Fraser said. “The entirety of the local Vancouver area was affected by this. People were talking three-hour-long ‘power naps’ in the middle of the day, sleeping on piles of clean and dirty laundry, and watching episode after episode of Terrace House.

Then one crucial thing changed—a glimpse of the sun.

“People all across Vancouver have noted that they have more energy, happiness, and all-around ‘good vibes.’ I’m hearing that citizens are busting out the jean shorts, frisbees, and listening to some Sublime deep cuts. They also report throwing the ‘hang loose’ symbol up at least nine percent more,” Fraser said.

Many residents confirmed Fraser’s findings with their own anecdotes.

“Ever since the sun came out, I’ve been feeling like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,” Vancouver resident Luke Brown told Other Press reporters. “When it was cloudy and cold out, I spent most of my days thinking about how one day I’ll cease to exist and I’ll have made no mark on this giant floating sphere we call Earth. But now that it’s over 12 degrees, I’ve found my will to live again!”

Other Vancouverites such as Kelley Chang were looking forward to the future.

“I can’t wait until every day has an adequate amount of sunlight,” Chang said to press. “I’ll finally have a reason to drag myself out of bed and enjoy the wonders of the natural world. Ever since last October I’ve been living in my bedroom, never showering or doing any laundry whatsoever, and DoorDashing sushi right to my window. It’s nice to feel the sun instead of the sting of wasabi. Though now that I think about it, they’re pretty similar.”

However, Fraser cautioned, this climatological alleviation is only temporary.

“This is only a taste of what’s to come,” Fraser reminded reporters. “Remember, we have about one and a half months of this before the smoke from forest fires roll in, obliterating the sun completely and forcing us to wear gas masks outside. Try and store as much serotonin as you can before fall rolls around. I suggest canning or jarring it.”

As Other Press reporters were speaking to Fraser, clouds rolled across the sun and gave her skin a grey hue and her eyes a dull, listless expression.

“Or don’t do anything,” Fraser said. “Who cares? It doesn’t matter anyway. God, I’m a disappointment to my parents.”