Especially Peeves, that frisky bastard!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Esteemed author of the wildly successful Harry Potter franchise revealed at a press conference last Saturday that Dumbledore and Grindelwald had an “intense sexual relationship.”
Rowling went on to add that many other characters in the Harry Potter universe also “got theirs” as well.
“Due to the series’ intended age category, I felt it was not prudent to discuss the sex lives of my characters,” Rowling announced to press. “However, enough time has passed that I finally feel comfortable saying: Almost everyone was hooking up. In really weird, magical ways, as well.”
Thanks to Rowling’s statements, millions of readers worldwide can take comfort in the knowledge that both humans and magical creatures alike were really going to town on each other.
“All of the house elves were involved in an ethically polyamorous relationship,” Rowling said. “And the Creevey brothers and the Patil twins had their own thing going on.”
Why did Rowling choose to divulge this information now?
“I feel that enough time has passed since the ending of the series for this additional information to really mean something to my readers,” she explained. “They can reread a passage and think, ‘Wow, the Triwizard Tournament seems extra difficult for Harry now knowing that all of the competitors were having sex with each other after every single task.’”
While some readers feel Rowling’s decision to broaden the Harry Potter universe is unnecessary, others welcome the addition to the already bloated franchise.
“I started reading Harry Potter as an 11-year-old and really ‘grew up’ with Harry,” superfan Michael Rollands told Other Press reporters. “I thought of him and his friends as my own pals. I went to every single midnight book launch, attended every movie premiere in costume, and even tried to start a Quidditch team on my university campus. I think it’s safe to say that I wasn’t getting laid, so I’m happy that at least Harry and his friends were getting some on the side.”
Others were more skeptical of Rowling’s claims.
“You’re telling me that Hermione had enough time to get Outstanding on almost all her O.W.L.s, have a passionate love affair with Viktor Krum, go through a ‘conscious uncoupling’ with both Weasley twins, and ‘see where things went’ with Luna Lovegood?” book critic Sarah Finley asked press. “It just doesn’t add up! She must’ve been using the Time-Turner.”
After divulging about the steamy, experimental sex lives of her characters, it seems that nothing is too taboo for Rowling to reveal.
“That’s not all that was going on behind closed doors,” she told reporters. “Dobby didn’t file his 2014 taxes, Barty Crouch got multiple facial fillers, and Lucius Malfoy was wearing a weave for the entire sixth book. I feel like these additional notes really help flesh the universe out for the readers.”