“Status No” speaks

Image via WikiHow
Image via WikiHow

New political party agrees with all, supports none

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

An as-yet-unheard-of party calling itself “Status No” has come onto the political scene, just in time to run in the upcoming Federal election. Despite their lack of public recognition, political commentator Rex Smurphy agreed to interview party leader Bigby Brother on CBC’s The National.

When questioned on Status No’s party line, Brother had this to say: “As a party, we believe in the tenets of radical centrism; that is to say, we think controversy distracts too much from real political issues, so we agree with everyone and everything—all the time.”

Confused, Smurphy asked Brother how he could possibly agree with the conflicting agendas of various social justice groups. “We agree with the feminist call for social reform regarding everyday sexism, and we also agree with the men’s rights activist movement and their views on the same subject,” said Brother. “Everyone is on our side because we are on everyone’s side; that is to say, whenever we are wrong, necessarily we are right.”

Smurphy pressed the issue, asking which lobby groups SN officially supports. “All of them, nominally,” said Brother, “though we refuse to financially advantage one group over the other. It creates too much political bias, and we don’t like to rock the boat. Disagreeing is just such a bother.” Smurphy asked if this had anything to do with SN’s lack of funding, to which Brother replied “Absolutely not,” and declined to comment further.

Brother was eager, however, to share his opinion on Prime Minister Stephen Harpoon. “Well, of course we all agree that Harpoon’s Bill C-51 is sociopolitical genius, both in its original form and after NDP Tom Mullet’s proposed amendments. We also favour Justin “Bieber” Trudeau’s Transparency Act. Essentially, we think that the government should have unfettered access to all private information, and that the people should be allowed to scrutinize all government information. This should help to ensure a stable Liberal-Conservative-NDP coalition, which of course we also support.”

When pressed for further clarification regarding his party’s philosophy, Brother only answered, “Yes.”