Container ‘never to be used again,’ says FDA
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
It was a sight to behold as upwards of 200 people gathered in a Mount Pleasant basement suite last Friday evening.
The reason? To pay homage to a container of what was most likely vegan stir-fry, celebrating its one-month anniversary in the back of a shared refrigerator.
Isabelle Orr, the chef du jour who initially created the dish, spoke to the crowd.
“It was definitely stir-fry, unless it was curry. Or it might be chili as well. There’s really no way to tell. I was really into meal prepping that week. I can’t quite remember.”
Orr, along with her two roommates Jolene Vassallo and Daniella LoScerbo, share the bottom floor of a dilapidated three-storey building that leans sharply to the left.
Vassallo, the “homemaker” of the group, described the layout of the refrigerator’s contents.
“Isabelle was supposed to have the top shelf, Daniella has the middle, and I have the bottom. The crisper drawers are fair game, ditto the condiment racks.”
“Yeah, Jolene said something about assigning shelves to people, yadda yadda yadda. I mostly just shove my things anywhere they’ll fit,” said Orr. “I’m kind of the ‘Wild Card’ of the trio.”
LoScerbo, whose shelves held only half a red pepper, an onion, and a single carrot, had this to say: “It’s not my stir-fry, but it is my glass container that I stole from my mom. I would like the container back as soon as Isabelle gets her shit together and throws that rotting food out.”
Reporters noted that the contents inside the container were mostly green and grey, with what was definitely some kind of grain at the bottom.
“I had a whole head of red cabbage to use, so that probably contributed a little bit to the colour,” Orr reminisced.
“Usually I would cave and throw Isabelle’s food out. That’s kind of been our system for our three years of living together. But I’ve grown used to the container taking up space in the back right of the top shelf. It’s a mascot at this point,” said Vassallo.
“I think it’s gross as hell and I wish Jolene would throw it out already,” said Orr.
Bystanders were amazed that the hastily-thrown-together meal had survived a whole month.
“It’s really sitting there, just sitting right there on the shelf,” local man Jim Burgers marvelled. “It’s a feat of laziness, stubbornness, and just plain human indecency. Amazing!”
“I hope to come back when the stir-fry is a year old,” tourist Julia Bevvington told Other Press reporters. “I’m going to bring my husband and get a picture with it.”
When reporters asked Orr if she had any plans on cleaning the fridge, she said, “Ask Jolene.”