Subterranean homesick blues

Image via Thinkstock
Image via Thinkstock

Welcome home, vault-dweller

By Josh Visser, Contributor

So we’re deep in the thick of it. The fall turnaround, that is. Hopefully midterm season is over and all that you have left are infernal research papers looming ever-closer on the greying horizon. Maybe some class presentations as well, but c’mon, who really puts any effort into those, anyway? I’ll settle for that C.

Remember the saying: “Good grades, social life, sleep—choose two”? When did you first hear that, tenth grade perhaps? That seems like Kindergarten stuff now to us young adults. A more accurate turn of phrase for us would be: “good grades, work­—choose one (or both, omit other options). Social life, hobbies, rest—choose one.”

We millennials have it so easy, eh? On top of fixing all of the world-at-large issues our parents raised us into… But hey, fuggetaboutit! Life is filled with so many sources of stress, and do we really get anything out of it, other than a hole in the earth or ashes in the wind?

What lasts forever is how many platinum trophies you leave behind. I have zero. Sorry folks, I’m working on it. Alas, it is not going to be an easy endeavor, and I’m sure to lock myself in my dungeon, and wade through boundless radiation-filled waters, all while winning an insurmountable amount of battles with my quick-witted, silver-tongued bravado… if I’m to make it that far.

Believe me, I will persevere. You see, I plan to shun my outside, actually-important, real-world problems and focus instead on the distractions of the many upcoming new releases in videogames this month (Fallout 4 and Star Wars Battlefront, to name two).

These games are absolute blockbusters, and are sure to suck in many other like-minded individuals. Non-gamers: be ready for a steady rise in available young ladies on the market. Keep that Netflix subscription up-to-date. Those looking for work: find yourself a job on-call and rake in the dollars. There’s going to be a lot of people “getting sick” over the next couple of weeks as they grind for hard-earned experience.

On a more serious note to gamers: don’t actually quit your job for video games—how else will you be able to afford Doritos and Mountain Dew? Or maybe you’ll splurge and get a pizza. Do it. Indulge. With the ever-accumulating list of things you are sure to have piling up, the best thing you can do is turn a blind eye.

A wise man once wrote: “In times of great upheaval, it is best to keep busy and work toward something positive. Keep your mind away from things which deter you from your goal.” That same wise man also said: “What lasts forever is how many platinum trophies you leave behind.” So, you know what you should really be working towards this finals season.

Remember your priorities. There remains a quest marker fixed on your controller. Do not neglect it. Your life’s difficulty will only go up.