Suck it, spring

Musings on why this season is the worst

By Eric Wilkins, Staff Writer

[dropcap]S[/dropcap]o the yearly cycle has finally fallen from the blissful cloudiness of winter into the unfortunate season of spring. But while everyone else seems to be embracing the T-shirt weather, I’m forced to endure a great deal of displeasure. Spring is an invention of the pharmaceutical and tissue companies. The two are likely even in cahoots with each other. When springtime came upon us, I needed no one to tell me, because I simply sneezed. And sneezed. And sneezed. And sneezed. Each time, I proceeded to deplete our substantial supply of Kleenex. While still in the process of clearing my nasal cavities as best I could, I noticed that there was a steadily growing mountain of snot papers on my floor. With a sigh, I navigated a safe path, grabbed a garbage bag, and safely deposited the aforementioned unmentionables in it. Clearly it is not out of the question to hypothesize that those in the business of manufacturing garbage bags and other such products are also in on the dirty scheme.

Soon after, I raced for the beloved pill cabinet. Rummaging through the various drugs, the question of why we have so many did occur to me, but this thought was quickly dismissed in favour of relieving my immediate discomfort as soon as possible. Finding the chlor-tripolon, I hastily downed a tablet, before returning to my diminished tissue resources. Sometime later, I began to feel normal again. Thank god for drugs.

Allergies are my main issue with spring, but my ever-positive nature found a few more that bug me. Spring weather is a constant source of annoyance. Let’s take a random hypothetical day: it’s windy, so therefore it would seem logical to wear a coat. Spring however, is unaware of the word “logical.” It’s too hot for a jacket, yet too cold without one. While some may blame it on my family’s inherit ability to sweat like pigs, I choose to take the far easier path and blame it on the season that can do nothing in response. Spring, you have ruined my formerly solid choices in outside attire.

To wrap up my increasingly weak argument against spring, I’m going to end with my concerns about sitting spaces, specifically grass. Don’t you just love it when there’s a lush green field in front of you with the breeze gently rippling through the swathes of verdant verdure? You just want to throw yourself down and roll about, or settle in and read a book while munching on a delightfully crisp apple. But if you were to actually attempt such a frivolous action, your clothes would undoubtedly become soaked beyond belief. Spring makes the ground reach a degree of uncomfortable moistness. While you’re not sopping wet, you’re not dry either. You’re in the purgatory of dampness, with heaven a long way off. So there you have it. Spring is clearly not my cup of tea and with any luck, I have ruined the season for you too. Cheers!