Who will win the contest to stand for our suffering?
By Craig Allan, Staff Writer
Next month, British Columbians will be put to the test over which catastrophe will rule over all of us, as an election from the major crisis’ barreling down on our province will take place on October 24. BC has been besieged by horrible attacks on everything from the COVID-19 pandemic, smoky skies from US wildfires, and overabundance of moths, and will now have to choose which of these titans of terror will take the place at the top of BC’s 2020 year of unimaginable suffering?
The frontrunner is the Pandemic Party. Lead by its invasive leader Captain COVID, the Pandemic Party has been dominating the BC landscape since January, but really started taking off in March when it led to the closure of everything. In a speech to his supporters in front of a North Vancouver care home, COVID spoke amongst the gaging of coughing of the crowd. “We have done a great job this year. Last year no one had even heard of us. Now we are everywhere.” The party says they will continue to preach that a viable vaccine is likely 10 to 15 years away and that they are here to stay. When asked how they felt going up against opponents like the Smoky Skies Party, COVID scoffed. “Smoky Skies was a fad. They are not here to stay.” Captain COVID and the Pandemic Party feel confident that they will lead BC into the future. Six meters at a time.
Friday night, outside of a stadium with big lights, The Moth Party made its debut. The Moth Party had a big coming out 10 years ago, but then lost numbers. Up to speak came Mother Moth, who championed that the party, which has had a small footprint on BC suffering in the last decade is back and here to stay. “We may have been gone, but we are fluttering once again!” The Moth Party said if they are elected, they will install a light on every street corner, and institute the death penalty to any human who steps, claps, or hits a moth for any reason. Mother Moth also took time to pay respect to the founder of the party who passed away last year. “Tonight, we honour the founder of our party. She was unfortunately taken from us too soon. Tonight, we honour Mothra, who died fighting Ghidorah in Boston, Massachusetts with Godzilla. Godzilla survived, but only due to Mothra’s heroic sacrifice. Rest in power Mothra. You truly were the queen of the monsters.”
The Smoky Skies Party took its press conference to the charred wreckage of the New Westminster Pier. On Monday, when the election was announced, SSP looked like they might be able to take the title, as their message of lung choking smoke was settling all over the province. However, the rain and wind have now pushed it away from the area, leaving the area with no smoke. Smoke Cloud, leader of the SSP, did not seem worried though. “Look at this dock. It’s still smoldering! It will go for weeks!” Smoke Cloud has been under a lot of scrutiny though, as there have been allegations that he is not a resident of BC, but of the US West Coast. “Guys, I’m from here! Yes, my brother The Smoke Monster is from an unknown island in the South Pacific, but I was born here!” The rains of fall may smother SSP’s chances of dominating, but they feel that even if they do not win, they can be a valuable ally in a coalition government. “I think we would make a good team. COVID will make it hard for people to gather inside, and we will make it hard for people to gather outside.”
Voters are asked to go to any space they can find on election day (October 24) and cough in the direction of which party they want to win the election. BC’s spirits have been crushed by the weight of the year of suffering. All we know is that it will continue long into the new year, and all these parties want to be at the top of the heap, raining pain and suffering down onto the masses of the province on the Pacific.
Editorial Note: The Flood Party was only setting up its platform now and was not ready to be covered for this story.