Golf is a waste, and we all know it
By Matthew Fraser, Editor in Chief
Golf is what old fat men do as a hobby and what real athletes do when they retire.
Everyone has a thing or two that they can’t stand; something that causes a nearly or even completely irrational rage to pass over you. At least one thing that grinds my gears is golf.
You see, the first problem with golf is that it is not a sport. Not at all. Golf is what old fat men do as a hobby and what real athletes do when they retire. Think about this for a second: if you come up off your couch and challenge a championship boxer to a 10-round bout, you will get beaten horribly. If you throw on a helmet and some shoulder pads and step onto the field with a mid-level college football team you will leave in a stretcher. But I bet if your dad who golfs periodically were to get a chance to hit the green with a PGA player, he’d do alright.
Therefore, golf is not a real sport but rather the thing that athletes and old farts do to unwind. It requires slight skill and zero conditioning. You can do the damn thing while piss drunk; I literally see people do that almost every weekend. Two hands here and here, turn your hips and take a big swing; sure, you’ll miss at the start but once you start to connect the ‘sport’ becomes second nature.
See, the other thing with golf is that it is not drastically different at the upper level than at the lower level. You might have your driver’s licence, your mother might drive daily, but that certainly doesn’t make either of you Lewis Hamilton. I mean you can’t even drive the same courses many of those races are run on, but you can book a hotel in palm springs and tee-off on the same green that once hosted Tiger Woods.
In addition to its monumental non-sport, really a hobbiness, golf is excruciatingly wasteful. The amount of water and chemicals used to keep the green’ green is horrific. You could probably use half that amount in an actual farm to much better effect. On top of that, the number of trees that have to be cut down to build a course is nauseating.
It’s clear then to me that golf is a horrible, terrible, no-good waste of everything that should be abolished immediately. We should normalize shaming people for playing golf and tax the hell out of recreational golfers to account for the immense resources lost in their hobby.