The truth about makeup

Image by Thinkstock
Image by Thinkstock

How being ‘on fleek’ makes you terrifying

By Brittney MacDonald, Life & Style Editor

It’s time to recognize the truth. Women don’t wear makeup for men, and saying that they wear it just for themselves is a complete and utter lie. Although it may not be to impress potential significant others (male or female), or their current main squeeze, makeup is worn to intimidate other women who cross their path.

Think back to the last time you were in a Sephora. Generally their staff is so caked in makeup it becomes difficult to discern whether they are in fact human or carefully painted works of art (sometimes abstract). As a consumer, if you have a question, who are you going to go to? The perfect, practically airbrushed, could-have-been-a-model-if-she-wasn’t-five-foot-nothing girl behind the counter? No, she’s terrifying. You’re going to go to the clown-faced staff member they stuck near the door. Why? Because she obviously knows the makeup brands that last, and if you stand next to her you don’t feel like some sort of grotesque lizard creature who climbed out from under a rock because you ran out of bronzer that morning.

Though it may seem stupid, I have a personal rule that I won’t leave the house without at least filling in my brows. Because of this, I’ve gotten pretty decent at it. But as soon as you put me near a woman whose brows are more “on fleek” than mine, I get so distracted that I become incapable of criticizing her, even if she’s a terrible person who steals walkers from the elderly and pushes children in the dirt.

Makeup can also be unifying. Be it eyeliner or contouring, everyone who wears it becomes really good in at least one respect. Everyone gets one.

Although you’re not even aware of it, suddenly you become involved in the biggest Cold War in human history. It’s the eyeliner gurus versus the eyeshadow army versus the pucker police (they’re the ones who can make normal lips look like Kylie Jenner’s with just a liner and nude gloss). The list goes on, and it gets added to everyday. Six years ago, only stage performers had ever heard of contouring. Now it’s pretty common, and no one messes with those who’ve mastered contouring because those bitches are wizards. “Hi, I’m just going to suddenly change the entire bone structure of my face without cosmetic surgery. I mean, screw biology, right?”

Calling makeup war paint, in my opinion, isn’t too far off. Not because anyone wearing it intends to battle and beat their day into submission, but because it’s used to make us appear more intimidating than we actually are. That’s what gives us self-confidence. So I suppose if you go by that logic, you can say you wear makeup just “for you” but it’s a little like saying you play football just for the love of the game. Everyone knows you’re a little full of shit, because if you sucked at it and always lost, you wouldn’t be spouting off such cliché phrases.