Trudeau wins federal election

Opponents finally realize what he did to win

By Alex Stanton, Staff Writer

In May of this year, the Conservative Party released what appeared to be fly-on-the-wall footage of a panel of baby boomers looking to hire the next great prime minister of Canada.

Although they didn’t realize that they alone didn’t actually get to pick the head honcho of the Canadian government, the footage itself proved to be extremely popular.

After about a minute of mistakenly discussing whom they’ll hire as prime minister, they dismissed Trudeau 2.0 for his inexperience, reminding all watching that leading the country is, in fact, not an entry-level job.

But that was all changed by a single, quiet, Indian man of advanced age, and his offhand quip about the picture of Trudeau that was included in the résumé that—as it seems at this point—will define how future leaders carry themselves, and their country:

“Nice hair, though.”

It was the aesthetic compliment heard round the country, from the clear rivers of British Columbia to the polluted rivers of Ontario, countrymen nodding their heads in agreement as the words echoed in their thoughts.

But Trudeau went further than anyone expected, and shocked the country by winning the seat of prime minister.

Unknowingly, by winning this election, Trudeau sent a message to other aspiring politicians: even if you have no experience and can only acquire entry-level work, you can still become a leader of the free world if the average middle-aged woman finds your hair sexy.

We managed to get a word with Stephen Harper—leader of the Conservative government and Canada’s former prime minister for, like, a decade—and the soft-spoken, intelligent, religiously-tolerant former leader knew without a doubt where he went wrong.

“It’s this stupid fucking hair,” lamented Harper, mistakenly believing we were off the record, as he ran his hands through his grey, thinning locks. “I’m always a humble dude, so I’ll say this for sure: I made a bad call, and it cost me the election. Straight up. I get that I’m not even close to what can be called ‘traditionally’ good looking, but maybe if the top of my head didn’t look like a retirement castle for aging, limbless rodents, I could’ve come back and ruled the country for another 10 years.”

Trudeau’s father, Pierre Elliot Trudeau, could not be reached for comment at this time. Reliable sources of ours in Parliament tell us he’s been dead for around 15 years, but as of yet we can confirm nothing.