Conservatives down and out

Photo illustration
Photo illustration

Tories took a beating during last night’s match

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

It was an exciting one last night, as millions of viewers across the country tuned in to see who would emerge victorious.

It’s not often you find a match with three contenders, but that’s what we were in for as The Tory (blue trunks), The Lib (red trunks), and That Other Guy (a stylish orange full piece wrestling singlet?) took to the ring to determine who would run our country for the years to come.

This contest was truly a bout for the record books.

The Lib came out swinging hard at the opening of round one, as the clock struck 8:30 p.m. in the Maritime provinces.

There was no surprise here, as he has been known to dominate in the early stages. A spry young buck, that Lib is: full of energy, and great hair too.

Round two saw more of a battle, with The Tory landing a few punches of his own. What turned out to be the most surprising development of the night was That Other Guy huddled in the corner.

He really took a beating off the start, and things didn’t look too good for him from there on out.

Our contest became a battle of two, with The Tory—being the reigning champ—defending his title. He was ultimately the one to either reign supreme or be defeated.

Going into round three The Lib just kept putting it on, floating like a flying V and stinging like a beaver.

Halfway through the match it was clear who the winner would be, but it was still to be determined whether The Lib would land a knockout blow, or if it would have to go to the officials.

The Other Guy, long out of the running for victor, managed to jump back in and land 20 or so jabs before returning to his corner.

Later in the bout, as betting polls were closing in the prairie provinces, The Lib landed his finishing punches, knocking The Tory to the ground and taking the golden PM belt for his own.

Interestingly enough, betting polls in BC remained open even after the match was decided, allowing those West Coast gamblers to place their bets on the clear victor.

Fans of The Lib are elated with his victory, casting down the long standing champ and bringing in a new era for the sport.

It may be years until we get another match of this intensity, though once we do we will see just who rises up to throw down with this new national champion.