Vancouverite outcry: Why weren’t cars set free on Car Free Day?

Summer event flooded with negative reviews

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

This past weekend marked Commercial Drive’s 10th annual Car Free Day. The outdoor event has gained much attention with its music, food vendors, and efforts to get people to rethink how Vancouver uses its public space. Although this year’s festival saw record numbers, a large flood of complaints were reportedly submitted to the Car Free Day’s website after the event.

“I’m just upset,” Herald Johnson told a reporter from the Other Press, who found him still sobbing on the steps of Grandview park several days after the event had ended. “I went to Car Free Day to cheer on the cars that were to be finally set free, but that didn’t happen—I didn’t see any cars. Zero.”

Katie Czkeniv, concerned mother of two and a half children, was also disappointed by the event.

“The road was completely closed down,” Czkeniv told reporters. “How would the cars even get around on the street? Frankly, it feels selfish and exclusive to cars.”

In the days following the event, the Car Free Day organizers have reported receiving over five hundred email complaints containing frowny faces, Rick Rolls, and those really weird YouTube poop videos.

“I don’t know what these people are talking about,” the Vancouver coordinator of Car Free Days, John Alden, told the Other Press. “Our website clearly states what this event is about. The posters we put all over town were also incredibly clear. Most of our event costs go to paying a copy editor to fact check our materials and make sure that we are, in fact, going to have a day free of cars.”

When the Other Press asked how much the hired copy editor, Janice Franklin, made from this event, Franklin laughed at our reporter from her diamond-covered convertible and drove away.

The negative feelings towards the event has even sparked violence. David Marick, local toy hobbyist, was recently arrested for throwing a brick through the organization’s window. When asked why he did it, he told reporters “I brought my remote-control car to see Car Free Day. I told it that, one day, it could grow up and become free like the cars that were supposed to be set free today. Now I have disappointed my toy car. That’s not something a grown man can easily recover from.”

“We have never ever set cars free on Car Free Day, nor will we ever,” Alden said in a recent press conference. “What is wrong with you people? What does that even mean? Why am I even here?”

When asked again why it was called Car Free Day if no cars were, in fact, set free, Alden began to sob uncontrollably.

Although the Other Press reached out to several cars, they refused to comment, unless you count their honking, which we do not.