Speculation on the many different ways our city can end up in disarray
By Alex Stanton, Staff Writer
As a group of student journalists, we here at the Other Press are dedicated, first and foremost, to bringing you the truth about what is going on in your world.
From opening your eyes to just how few people believe in global warming, to bringing you the exclusive story, photos, and hard facts proving that Justin Trudeau is actually a hoofed and horned vessel for Satan—crown Prince of Darkness—our thorough investigative work is the main attribute we pride ourselves on as journalists.
But sometimes—particularly after a summer such as this, in which the wrath of Mother Nature all but brought us back to the Stone Age twice—we feel like throwing on our speculation caps. These are what we consider to be the leading theories for the next massive event that is going to throw our city into a fit of chaos unlike anything you will ever see (assuming, of course, that we don’t make it to Game 7 and muck it all up… again).
1. Power outage completely shuts down the streetlight grid in the Lower Mainland
When the great storm of ‘15 hit us not too long ago, we got a taste of what an experience like this might be on a block-to-block basis, and it’s not pretty. I don’t mean Rocky Dennis not pretty, I mean “kittens being drowned in oil” not pretty.
Being totally realistic, it’s fair to say no one in Vancouver was taught by anyone how to function at a major intersection that is out of power temporarily. If you don’t know what I’m speaking of then you’re probably the guy that holds everyone up because he didn’t pay any attention in driving school.
2. Shortage of Kale Chips
Lord knows a true red-blooded Vancouverite gets his Netflix munchies from his community street garden, centralized in a location guaranteed to be passed by at least 80 per cent of the city’s 10-speed bicycle riders.
How exactly something this cataclysmic might go down, I can’t say; I think the best thing we can do is not get into any wars. All it takes to turn Vancouver into a place where the majority of people are rabidly hungry is a big pile of DDT dropped over East Van.
3. Lululemon goes out of business
Aside from blatantly sending plus-sized women right back out the door from where they came, good ol’ Chip Wilson hasn’t really messed up too much in the past while. That said, Lululemon going out of business would cause an estimated 90 per cent of Vancouverites to immediately switch to a wardrobe entirely based on the Robert Munsch book, The Paper Bag Princess.
Lululemon is a blessing and a curse, and its existence or non-existence is the difference between keeping our place among the world’s worst dressed cities, and losing pretty much the only thing that makes the City of Vancouver any more a dot on the map than Agassiz.