I canāt wait to start college wearing my free swag!
I wonder if Douglas College has an Animal House?
By Joe Keener, Overly Eager Person
Well, here I am! Ready to begin my first steps towards adulthood by going to college. I wonder if my parents will be worried about me? After all, Douglas College is about 45 minutes away from home. When I told them about this place, the two of them almost went into hysterics over their baby boy leaving the safety of home-school. But Iām not like them, because now that Iām going to college, Iām going to be the coolest, smartest, and handsomest man alive!
I hope that Douglas College has frat houses. When I got my campus tour, I didnāt see any dorms, but maybe theyāre only visible to those who meet the proper requirements. Lucky for me, Douglas has already given me all the swag I can carry! A bunch of the stuff says āDouglas Studentsā Unionā on it. I think thatās just a code name for the dorms, so people wonāt think that Douglas has a bad reputation. In any case, Iāll be wandering around the halls wearing my Douglas sweatshirt, pants, and the beads I got when I checked in at orientation! That way, people are bound to think Iām cool!
In addition to wearing the Douglas clothing around campus, Iāll also make sure to impress my professors by writing down my homework in my free agenda and drinking coffee from my Douglas College mug. By showing up to classes in all this Douglas College wear, my teachers will think that Iām really excited about learning and will automatically give me extra credit in every course!
So long, mom and dad! Thanks to the kind people who helped me out at the orientation, your little man is going places!
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I hate college and Iām only going because my dad forced me to
All I want to do is sit at home and watch Adventure Time
By Marc Scheisskopf, Person Whoād Rather be Watching Japanese Cartoons
Ugh, I fucking hate this place. Not because itās necessarily bad, but itās just so boring. Thereās no adventure here, only cheap-ass decorations and booths. By the way, all these booths suck. Thereās no anime club here. Even though there was an Asian lady in charge my little group of sheeple, which I was sorted into without a thought, she didnāt even speak Japanese!
Oh well, it doesnāt matter anyway. That ladyās a baka for not being Nihongo like I am! Humph. I got these stupid beads, which at first I thought were supposed to ward off demons or something, but it turns out that they were just plastic junk! Unsurprisingly, the sheeple bought into them like the baka they are.Ā In fact, this whole orientation is baka. For a school that has a lot of Nihongo, they werenāt dressed all kawaii desu. Watashi aishiteru kawaii Nihongo girls. I even said that exact phrase during the introduction session and no, I will not provide a translation, you baka! Youāre too baka and un-kawaii to even grasp glorious Nihon-sama!! It doesnāt matter; Iām going to become a famous mangaka in Nihon someday!
So take that, you baka gaijin.
