I can’t wait to start college wearing my free swag!
I wonder if Douglas College has an Animal House?
By Joe Keener, Overly Eager Person
Well, here I am! Ready to begin my first steps towards adulthood by going to college. I wonder if my parents will be worried about me? After all, Douglas College is about 45 minutes away from home. When I told them about this place, the two of them almost went into hysterics over their baby boy leaving the safety of home-school. But I’m not like them, because now that I’m going to college, I’m going to be the coolest, smartest, and handsomest man alive!
I hope that Douglas College has frat houses. When I got my campus tour, I didn’t see any dorms, but maybe they’re only visible to those who meet the proper requirements. Lucky for me, Douglas has already given me all the swag I can carry! A bunch of the stuff says “Douglas Students’ Union” on it. I think that’s just a code name for the dorms, so people won’t think that Douglas has a bad reputation. In any case, I’ll be wandering around the halls wearing my Douglas sweatshirt, pants, and the beads I got when I checked in at orientation! That way, people are bound to think I’m cool!
In addition to wearing the Douglas clothing around campus, I’ll also make sure to impress my professors by writing down my homework in my free agenda and drinking coffee from my Douglas College mug. By showing up to classes in all this Douglas College wear, my teachers will think that I’m really excited about learning and will automatically give me extra credit in every course!
So long, mom and dad! Thanks to the kind people who helped me out at the orientation, your little man is going places!
I hate college and I’m only going because my dad forced me to
All I want to do is sit at home and watch Adventure Time
By Marc Scheisskopf, Person Who’d Rather be Watching Japanese Cartoons
Ugh, I fucking hate this place. Not because it’s necessarily bad, but it’s just so boring. There’s no adventure here, only cheap-ass decorations and booths. By the way, all these booths suck. There’s no anime club here. Even though there was an Asian lady in charge my little group of sheeple, which I was sorted into without a thought, she didn’t even speak Japanese!
Oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway. That lady’s a baka for not being Nihongo like I am! Humph. I got these stupid beads, which at first I thought were supposed to ward off demons or something, but it turns out that they were just plastic junk! Unsurprisingly, the sheeple bought into them like the baka they are. In fact, this whole orientation is baka. For a school that has a lot of Nihongo, they weren’t dressed all kawaii desu. Watashi aishiteru kawaii Nihongo girls. I even said that exact phrase during the introduction session and no, I will not provide a translation, you baka! You’re too baka and un-kawaii to even grasp glorious Nihon-sama!! It doesn’t matter; I’m going to become a famous mangaka in Nihon someday!
So take that, you baka gaijin.