Cause let’s face it, you’ve still got tons left
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
The season is turning, pumpkins and skeletons now (hopefully) retired, and there’s an impending sense of Christmas in the air. You’re all ready to enjoy the burgeoning winter aesthetic… except you still have five bowls of Halloween candy left over from two weeks ago. Do small children just not trick-or-treat anymore?
But never fear! The Other Press is here to tell you just what to do! Follow these helpful tips and suggestions, and that crap will be gone in no time at all!
Make a homemade grenade launcher
It’s not actually gonna launch grenades, of course. But think of it as one of those beanbag guns chock-full of chocolatey goodness. You can use it to shoot candy at friends, family, or those raucous teenagers next door who keep holding parties until four in the morning the night before you have to be at work or have an essay due. Surely the Canadian government hasn’t put any kind of legislation in place against chocolate launchers, right?
Build a birdhouse
It’s time to change how you look at all this candy. Just tell yourself: It’s not candy; it’s building material! Using KitKats, Coffee Crisps, and Mars Bars, in conjunction with a quite frankly disturbing amount of super glue, you can make an adorable little Halloween birdhouse for all of your feathered friends. Just make sure it’s all sealed up in glue—chocolate’s not actually that great for birds, after all.
Make a thought-provoking art installation
The Vancouver modern art scene is all about transformative works, so dig down and find that pretentious beanie-wearing, craft beer-drinking artist’s soul and make something beautiful out of what you have on hand. If you want to be really edgy, you can turn it into a political statement. Stack up that candy in the shape of a politician, or one of those small children who didn’t have the courtesy to come by your place on Halloween even though you decorated and carved pumpkins and everything.
Use it as inspiration for a humour article when you run low on ideas
Wait, how did this one slip in here? Not everyone writes for a newspaper. Alright, scratch that, let’s move on.
Turn it into one enormous bar of candy and just eat it
Alright, cards on the table here: There’s no saving us from ourselves. We’re gonna eat that candy one way or another. Either while binge-watching Luke Cage or nervous snacking while waiting for America to collapse in on itself after the recent election, that candy is going to end up inside of us. We’ll ride the sugar high like beautiful ethereal beings riding unicorns made of sucrose and the legal amount of carcinogenic ingredients allowed in consumable products, and we’re going to crash and burn like brilliant, flaming comets of candy wrappers and regret. No need to deny the inevitable. Give in, dear readers; give in!
