‘Shock Therapy’

Photo illustration
Photo illustration

FromSoftware announces hardest game ever

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

Hidetaka Miyazaki, president of FromSoftware, has returned to direct the long-awaited third instalment in the cult hit franchise Dark Souls. After debuting the game at Gamescom 2015, he agreed to an interview with the Other Press in order to advertise a new peripheral attachment meant to enhance the Dark Souls experience for gamers who want to squeeze as much challenge as they can out of the venerable series.

“When I was thinking of how best to challenge veteran players, it occurred to me that their experience with Dark Souls I and II will have prepared them for my usual tricks,” said Miyazaki in surprisingly impeccable English. “Item gank mobs, booby traps, and epic bosses will not be enough this time. So I thought up the Gorget of Pain.”

As its name suggests, the Gorget of Pain is worn around the neck like medieval throat armour. It then establishes a wireless connection with your gaming console and monitors your character’s health as you play. Every time you take damage in the game, the collar delivers a painful electric shock to the wearer.

When asked if he thought there were any ethical issues with such a device, Miyazaki only smiled. “I’m just playing to my audience,” he said, sitting back in his patent leather recliner and villainously stroking his white Persian. “I’ve already got over a hundred thousand preorders for the Abandon All Hope Edition, which comes withthe Gorget, as well as a t-shirt proclaiming ‘I Am Hidetaka Miyazaki’s Bitch.’”

Though the device is still a work in progress, Miyazaki promises that the Gorget will adapt to each individual player’s pain threshold. That way, each time the player’s character dies in the game, the Gorget will calculate exactly how many volts to apply in order to knock players out without killing them. Needless to say, Dark Souls fans are chomping at the bit to get their hands on this revolutionary piece of technology.

“This is my way of thanking the fans for helping make Dark Souls what it is today,” said Miyazaki, his inner sadistic urges betrayed only by a slight twitch of his eyelid. “Their determination has inspired me, and I am sure this game will deliver millions, if not billions, of electric shocks to players worldwide.”