Without a clue

Sherlock Holmes a fraud?

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

Today, world-renowned English detective Sherlock Holmes published a controversial tell-all memoir entitled Educated Guess. To the dismay of fans worldwide, the book reveals that Holmes had, for decades, been guessing the solutions to all his most famous cases.

“My parents always believed I was a precocious child,” Holmes confessed to reporters at his book signing. “I was an early reader, and since my brother Mycroft was such a brilliant boy, they were convinced I too would turn out to be some kind of genius. I am sorry to have disappointed them.” As it turns out, Holmes had merely acted as though he knew what he was talking about, and, after a few lucky guesses, people were more than willing to accept anything he ever said.

Although Holmes admits a liking for early mystery novels like Edgar Allan Poe’s The Murders In The Rue Morgue and Wilkie Collins’ The Moonstone, he claims to have never studied the science of deduction, let alone pioneered it. “That distinction goes to Hercule Poirot; Agatha Christie was a truly brilliant author.”

When informed that the likelihood of successfully guessing his way through 56 criminal investigations equalled roughly 950,000 to 1 against, Holmes merely shrugged. “I guess you don’t actually need to be smart, as long as you’re lucky. I never intended for things to go so far,” he said, lighting up his pipe. “I was never a fan of Watson’s literary embellishments, but the harder I tried to get things wrong, the easier the answers came. He begged me not to write this book, but I just had to come clean.”

Since learning the truth behind the “greatest detective to ever live,” many private investigator agencies and police detectives worldwide have taken to the simple, yet elegant format of literally just guessing everything. So far, the results are inconclusive as to how that is panning out for them.

In the closing chapters of Educated Guess, Holmes revealed that he and Dr. John Watson have been romantically involved for quite some time. Not a single fan of BBC’s Sherlock was surprised.

This piece is a satirical humour article.