‘It only took five months for him to turn my ‘no’ into a ‘yes,’’ says bride-to-be
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
After five months of what some might call “loving attentiveness,” and police might call “relentless stalking,” local woman Irma Gird has finally returned the affections of Jonathan Kreep, even going so far as to accept his wedding proposal and become the man’s fiancée.
“It took a while to open my eyes, I guess,” said Gird in a blog post last Thursday. “Nearly half a year, in fact. Good thing he literally never stopped texting me for even a day or two, or I might have missed my chance entirely.”
The unlikely pair met at a local pub back in June.
“I saw her having fun with her friends, you know, just having a good time, and I knew,” said Kreep on his own Facebook account. “You can just tell when someone’s meant to be with you, you know? I mean, sure, she didn’t look like she wanted to talk to anyone aside from the people she was with, but I decided to interrupt anyway, to try get her number.”
“I tried to give him a fake number,” admitted Gird. “But very luckily he was astute enough to immediately try to call me afterwards, so I had to give him my real one. It totally wasn’t creepy at all, and was in fact totally normal and reasonable human behaviour.”
Gird was apparently eager to return to her normal life and forget ever meeting Kreep, but fate (and Kreep) intervened.
“I texted her the very next day,” said Kreep. “I mean, when you want to live the rest of your life with someone, you want to start immediately, right? Wait, I think that’s a line from When Harry Met Sally. Am I allowed to say that in a fake news article?”
“He didn’t know anything about me,” said Gird. “All he knew was what my face looked like. But he was convinced we were soulmates. Obviously I was kind of wigged out at first, but then I started to wonder. Like, maybe he knew something I didn’t. Still, I didn’t answer his texts at first because I didn’t want to encourage him.”
“I’m very hard to discourage,” said Kreep. “I see an unanswered text, I think, ‘Great, maybe I need to try another angle.’ So I did. Eighty-four times. There’s that quote from Thomas Edison about the light bulb and everything, and how you need to keep trying… I really hold it near and dear to my heart. Especially when it comes to women who won’t immediately give me what I want.”
“That whole persistence thing was a big plus for me,” said Gird. “I mean, who doesn’t want to feel like they’re being constantly pursued by someone they have no interest in, despite their obvious disinterest? It was so incredibly flattering! After a while, I found I just couldn’t say no.”
The wedding of Kreep and Gird is set for never, because this did not and will not ever happen. Persistence is creepy. Knock it off.