Writer wakes up from post-exam coma

Suffers horrible case of writer’s block

By Carlos Bilan, Staff Writer

I actually do not know what to write. I see the headline and I pitched it during the meeting, but I have been typing and hitting backspace so many times I’ve lost count. I see this big blank page in front of me, and I’m trying to think of a good introduction for this article, but I guess this will have to do.

I was thinking that the article could be set in a hospital, but I can’t for the life of me think of a good name for the hospital. I ended up writing (Insert Name of Hospital Here) and continued typing the article, thinking that the idea might come to me later, somehow. I even thought of a name for the character by associating it with a romance language like “Ed Olvido” which sounds like “aide” in French meaning “help” and “Olvido” meaning “forget” in Spanish, but that’s about all I could come up with.

I decided that maybe I should boil some tea and see if maybe during the three minute wait time for the water to boil and the half a minute it takes to let the tea bag set in my mug I might get some sort of inspiration. However, it’s been 15 sips and I still cannot come up with any good punchlines. It’s a humour article and it has to be funny but I can’t come up with anything hilarious! I can’t believe how studying so intensely for exams over the a span of a week-and-a-half can really make you feel like you ran a marathon that lasted more than four hours and all the glucose in your brain just disintegrated and you’re like “uuhh how am I gonna write this.”

I consulted sweet, sweet Miss Google and the results said that I’m suffering what they call a “writer’s block.” Ironically, I was thinking of writing an article that had something to do with a character suffering from a writer’s block and now I ended up rambling and typing up four paragraphs instead of coming up with the article. It’s already over 300 words, and I need 100 more words to fit the word count.

That’s when I had a EUREKA! moment. I’m so happy! I can write the article in my point of view and talk about how it took me almost an hour to just come up with a full-length article with the minimum of 400 words and that’s the punchline! It also fits the title because I am a writer and I just had three exams and you know what, I’m mentally exhausted. As soon as I walked out of the gym door from my last exam, I threw my fist in the air and opened all of my social media accounts, since I had blocked them to increase my productivity. I saw that I had four new Facebook messages, read that Kendrick Lamar is coming to Vancouver, Katy Perry is about to release a new single, and so much more. Withdrawing from social media and opening it all again really was like waking up from a coma.

I’m proud to say that I survived! Exams are over. I am now over 500 words and I can finally submit this to Rebecca, our lovely Humour Editor, so she can edit it. A writer who has woken up from a post-exam coma but fought through the writer’s block. I really feel like I’ve got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, and [insert more inspirational verses here]. Wow, I can’t believe it! I could even extend this to 600 words, but nah, I think this should do.

Shortly after this article was submitted, staff writer Carlos Bilan was seen tackled by a 5’10” woman with blue lipstick and a crazed look in her eyes. The woman was heard shouting about also having writer’s block and also deciding to “go meta” with her article, before fleeing into a nearby alleyway. If anyone has any information on the suspect’s whereabouts, please contact Assistant Editor Chandler Walter or Editor in Chief Lauren Kelly.