Yoga found to not only cure anxiety and depression, but leprosy, malaria, and broken bones as well

Image via Thinkstock
Image via Thinkstock

‘You’d think we would have figured this out years ago,’ said many doctors

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

A study out of the Institute of Bold Science (I-BS) has found that yogi’s claims of the miraculous health benefits to yoga may not be too far off the mark.

“I mean, obviously exercise is good for you, but it seems like if anyone has any problems these days there’s always that one jackass on Facebook claiming yoga as a cure-all,” said Doctor Iris Pekchu, in an exclusive interview with the Other Press last Thursday. “We decided to test the validity of these kinds of claims and, well, needless to say, the results were very surprising, indeed.”

The test covered a wide range of injuries and ailments, many thought to be incurable without the intervention of modern medicine, such as polio and fractured spines. Within weeks of starting a strict yoga regimen, however, symptoms began to ease, disappearing altogether after a few months.

“I’ll admit it was hard to get started, given that parts of me were falling off,” said leper Carly Skinner, “but they told me to just keep at it, work at my own pace, really get in touch with my inner self… and look at me now! I grew back three fingers like a lizard, all because of yoga!”

“I snapped my arm clean in half about six months ago,” said athlete Andy Shields. “Never got a cast for it. Just kept up with my Exalted Warrior and Downward Dogs, threw in a couple of Cobras and a Reclining Goddess, and it healed within two weeks. Now I’m buff as ever, and the skin on my arm isn’t all weird from being wrapped up in plaster for a month.”

A few questions remain to be answered, of course—primarily regarding the science of yoga’s healing properties, and the more pressing question of why humanity didn’t figure this out sooner in our evolution.

“Well, I mean, you can look at science, or you can look to your inner self,” said dedicated yogi Quinoa Jones. “We’ve always said, you know, ‘don’t medicate, meditate,’ and I really hold to that. There’s been a lot of resistance from people who’ve been like ‘ohh I need medication to live’ and ‘yoga doesn’t cure visual impairments’ and ‘why’d you change your name to “Quinoa,” Helen,’ but there will always be bitter naysayers. The important thing is that science is on our side, and I have another hundred articles on the matter to spam your Facebook feed with over the days to come.”