Gradu-rapture is upon us
By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager
Quite a commotion was created early last Monday on the campus of Simon Fraser University.
A fourth year student, Miles Cettler, was wandering the grounds, alerting all those who were in shouting distance of the Gradu-rapture.
In two hands he held large posters, and he wore a sandwich board on his chest. Cettlerās message was clear: everything he had ever known was coming to an end.
āHear me. Hear me! Ye doomed souls!ā Miles shouted at many SFU students, āThe End draws nigh! Two months left of this existence, until the great day of judgement.ā
We questioned Miles, during one of his breaks from preaching, to ask him what had worked him up so badly. It turns out that this was Milesā final semester of study, and his parents had decided to cut him off in April.
āThe After will be bleak and dreary indeed, for all those who are to be cast into the shadowy abysmal life of self-sufficiency,ā he had said in a prophetic, all-knowing voice.
Soon after returning to preaching and holding his signs that read āABANDON ALL HOPEā and āIT IS WRITTEN IN THE TRANSCRIPTSā we noticed that Miles had actually gained a significant following.
Most of the followers appeared to be other fourth year studentsāmany with bags under their dull, hopeless eyes. The group followed Miles as he made his processions throughout the concourse.
We asked one SFU professor what he thought about the whole ordeal.
āEvery year itās the same thing. A few of these kids get cut off and start to think itās the end of the world. They donāt know how bad it really gets ā¦ after kids, a few divorces,ā unfortunately that was all the interview we received from the Criminology professor, as he had then decided to join the forlorn group.
The mass of students only continues to swell as there truly is an end in sight, and we encourage students to thank their parents for the income they provide. Our thoughts and prayers are with all those who have, and will, suffer the loss of financial dependency.
