The End of all times draws nigh

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy
Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

Gradu-rapture is upon us

By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager

Quite a commotion was created early last Monday on the campus of Simon Fraser University.

A fourth year student, Miles Cettler, was wandering the grounds, alerting all those who were in shouting distance of the Gradu-rapture.

In two hands he held large posters, and he wore a sandwich board on his chest. Cettler’s message was clear: everything he had ever known was coming to an end.

“Hear me. Hear me! Ye doomed souls!” Miles shouted at many SFU students, “The End draws nigh! Two months left of this existence, until the great day of judgement.”

We questioned Miles, during one of his breaks from preaching, to ask him what had worked him up so badly. It turns out that this was Miles’ final semester of study, and his parents had decided to cut him off in April.

“The After will be bleak and dreary indeed, for all those who are to be cast into the shadowy abysmal life of self-sufficiency,” he had said in a prophetic, all-knowing voice.

Soon after returning to preaching and holding his signs that read “ABANDON ALL HOPE” and “IT IS WRITTEN IN THE TRANSCRIPTS” we noticed that Miles had actually gained a significant following.

Most of the followers appeared to be other fourth year students—many with bags under their dull, hopeless eyes. The group followed Miles as he made his processions throughout the concourse.

We asked one SFU professor what he thought about the whole ordeal.

“Every year it’s the same thing. A few of these kids get cut off and start to think it’s the end of the world. They don’t know how bad it really gets … after kids, a few divorces,” unfortunately that was all the interview we received from the Criminology professor, as he had then decided to join the forlorn group.

The mass of students only continues to swell as there truly is an end in sight, and we encourage students to thank their parents for the income they provide. Our thoughts and prayers are with all those who have, and will, suffer the loss of financial dependency.