EVERYBODY PANIC
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Hello listeners. We’re live with the latest on the destruction afflicting our great nation. I am speaking, of course, of the rate at which the ice caps are melting, and the deterioration of the very vessel we humans use to traverse the infinity of space: Earth.
At 4:45 p.m.—a mere 10 minutes ago—our newsroom received a surprising revelation, one that will change the course of the world in the years to come. But first, for those who have not been paying attention to world matters lately, some background. The knowledge of the earth’s deterioration came to our attention from Professor Gary Stein, who has since been deemed “The Most Important Person Ever” by the world.
His study showed the evidence of humanity’s impact on the environment: the world is warming, glaciers are melting, and even the beloved polar bears are in immediate danger.
Upon hearing his foreboding news, the world abruptly ceased all war, as leaders across the world took into consideration the complete ridiculousness of fighting over lands when the earth was at stake.
Government funding has been immediately transferred from public defence to environmental research projects, as the worldwide ceasefire has freed up trillions of dollars to fix the true problem at hand.
Vehicles have been abandoned in the streets, shunned by the people once they learned of the eventual doom burning gas would bring them. The metal from these abandoned cars has been collected, recycled, and turned into thousands of electronic buses and trains. The absolute lack of single person vehicles on the road has made traffic non-existent, and many people are realizing that this public-transit-only system actually gets them where they need to be faster and more efficiently.
Peaceful protest groups have formed, as well as full-scale riots across the country, gathering outside oil refineries, factory farms, and any other building issuing poison into the already weakened atmosphere. Many in these groups are the workers themselves, with most walking off the job once they realized the harm they were causing.
Now, onto our breaking news: All of the world leaders, for the first time in history, have agreed to meet together to elect Professor Gary Stein as the President of the World, a position they deem necessary to curb the terrifying direction we are headed, and to give willing countries the mentorship they need in doing their part to save this world.
Even with all these drastic changes, the world in which we live still faces an uncertain fate, and it lies in the hands of the people to be their own saviours.
