People I can do without: Douglas Edition

A list of people whose very presence is hazardous to your GPA

By Alex Stanton, Staff Writer

In this, the third edition of my column dedicated entirely to the listing of living, breathing pet peeves, we’re going to wind down a little and place this list on more of a local level.

We’ve established that Vancouverites of just about every type are boring, poorly-dressed snobs. We’ve shown the stereotypical millennial—militantly anti-theist, perma-stoned, and addicted to documenting every event on their phones—the error of their ways. We’ve even made sure to remind ourselves of why—and just how much—we hate the infamously unfunny The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon.

But let’s be realistic for a moment here. When are any of us going to encounter Fallon at Columbia SkyTrain station, or witness him strolling around Lafarge Lake? Hopefully never. But, I digress; here’s a list of those whose existence makes life at our very own Dougie Daycare funnier, more difficult, or downright annoying.

1. People who pay for everything in change:

If there’s one type of person I really don’t like to see in front of me in the 12 items or less checkout line at the grocery store, it would be old ladies. For whatever reason, they don’t like to carry around large bills, and heaven forbid they attempt to decipher this frightening, new, plastic technology. That being said, say what you want about the old ladies—at least they have an excuse. Sally the Student, picking through her change in the cafeteria line because she doesn’t want to have to break a $10 bill has no excuse whatsoever.

If you take more than 15 seconds paying for your double-double and long john, this might be you.

2. People who smell offensive:

Really, I can do without these people in just about any situation, but I can’t help but be genuinely curious as to how someone fresh out of high school comes to class smelling like they bathed in sour milk. It’s just so easy to smell awesome, and washing yourself feels excellent after a hard day. This doesn’t just apply to those who don’t bathe, though. I’m including those of you who bathe in Axe Body Spray.

If, despite the fact that you’re a decent person, nobody wants to be your friend, this might be you.

3. High School kids who smoke:

This is the anomaly of the list, because you won’t find this category of people in classes alongside you… But I can assure those of you who attend classes at the David Lam campus will encounter them more often than you’d like. They can be commonly spotted buying food from our vastly superior, White-Spot-branded cafeteria. But if you want the main reason you see children walking around a learning institution for adults, I’ve got two words: smoke pit. They’d be tolerable if most of them weren’t there to bum smokes.

If you’ve acquired this issue of the Other Press by trespassing onto the property of a learning institution that is not your own, this might be you.