A look at being self-conscious
By Lauren Paulsen, Senior Columnist
Standing out. Itâs something the majority of us do not want to do. It makes us feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. Whether we like it or not, humans like to belong. Individual expression is great when you can control what you want to stand outânot having a choice, now thatâs another matter. Iâve always been different from my peers, but it hasnât always been physically obvious. I have an âinvisible illness.â I look normal and healthy at first glance, but that isnât the case. As a child, this made it hard to keep friends. I was small and underweight, and couldnât keep up with my classmates.
I was bullied.
But it wasnât until grade six that it became really bad. That was the year that I had to begin toting around an N.G. Tube, a long, thin tube that goes down your nose and into your stomach. This is used for feeding on hypoallergenic formula that tastes too nasty to swallow. It was meant to help me gain some weight and nutrients because I couldnât eat normally. Unfortunately, it was also this really obvious thing attached to my cheek. Young and old alike stared at me.
I was absolutely thrilled when I was told I no longer needed it. I wanted to look ânormalâ again. When I had to go back on the formula because my diet didnât end up being sufficient enough, I refused the N.G. Tube and requested to have a surgical implant into my stomachâit would be invisible, and no one would know it was there unless I wanted them to. I did everything I could to hide the fact that I was different.
Of course, if youâve read any of my other articles about my health, youâd know that didnât really work out. Being chronically ill isnât something you can hide, and I have begun to accept that people may see me differently, but those are the people that know me. Iâm still very self-conscious when I have to do something that I fear will make people stare at me. For example, I mentioned in an article I wrote last week that I now have to wear a mask to keep myself from catching every virus out there. Iâm still finding it hard to wear it when Iâm out in public. I feel like everyone is staring at me, judging me. It doesnât matter that I know that is not true. I canât stop worrying about it, even though most people probably hardly give it a thought.
Standing out when you donât want to? It sucks.
For anyone that has gone through, or is currently going through, something that makes them feel like I do when Iâm wearing my mask, take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. Even if you know you are being over-paranoid, it doesnât change how you feel when you stand out unwillingly. Getting through this is a massive accomplishment and you need to realize that. You are stronger than you think.
