A look at being self-conscious
By Lauren Paulsen, Senior Columnist
Standing out. Itās something the majority of us do not want to do. It makes us feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. Whether we like it or not, humans like to belong. Individual expression is great when you can control what you want to stand outānot having a choice, now thatās another matter. Iāve always been different from my peers, but it hasnāt always been physically obvious. I have an āinvisible illness.ā I look normal and healthy at first glance, but that isnāt the case. As a child, this made it hard to keep friends. I was small and underweight, and couldnāt keep up with my classmates.
I was bullied.
But it wasnāt until grade six that it became really bad. That was the year that I had to begin toting around an N.G. Tube, a long, thin tube that goes down your nose and into your stomach. This is used for feeding on hypoallergenic formula that tastes too nasty to swallow. It was meant to help me gain some weight and nutrients because I couldnāt eat normally. Unfortunately, it was also this really obvious thing attached to my cheek. Young and old alike stared at me.
I was absolutely thrilled when I was told I no longer needed it. I wanted to look ānormalā again. When I had to go back on the formula because my diet didnāt end up being sufficient enough, I refused the N.G. Tube and requested to have a surgical implant into my stomachāit would be invisible, and no one would know it was there unless I wanted them to. I did everything I could to hide the fact that I was different.
Of course, if youāve read any of my other articles about my health, youād know that didnāt really work out. Being chronically ill isnāt something you can hide, and I have begun to accept that people may see me differently, but those are the people that know me. Iām still very self-conscious when I have to do something that I fear will make people stare at me. For example, I mentioned in an article I wrote last week that I now have to wear a mask to keep myself from catching every virus out there. Iām still finding it hard to wear it when Iām out in public. I feel like everyone is staring at me, judging me. It doesnāt matter that I know that is not true. I canāt stop worrying about it, even though most people probably hardly give it a thought.
Standing out when you donāt want to? It sucks.
For anyone that has gone through, or is currently going through, something that makes them feel like I do when Iām wearing my mask, take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. Even if you know you are being over-paranoid, it doesnāt change how you feel when you stand out unwillingly. Getting through this is a massive accomplishment and you need to realize that. You are stronger than you think.
