The dos and don’ts of riding the bus
By Josh Visser, Columnist
When I ride on transit, especially when it’s shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m always careful to angle my phone downward to make sure no one can read the messed up thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don’t be like me, distancing yourself from the other commuters by being on your phone the whole time. Where’s the fun in that? Why not be intrusive, the more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list of things to do to quicken your commute while totally exhibiting traditional and well-regarded transit etiquette:
- Keep your outer thighs pressing against the people next to you.
- Read over the shoulder of your neighbour. If you know what comes next, tell the person so they don’t have to waste their time by reading further. They will thank you for it.
- Talk on the phone in an outside voice about something incriminating—or, at the very least whatever makes you look like a total douche.
- Interrupt and make your business other people’s conversations while providing valuable insight on them.
- Watch others with lingering eyes.
- Listen to loud music, preferably with your speakers on near blast. Or, even better: sing along voraciously. Try and get others to join along.
- Smoke your vape. I mean, you saw someone else do it, so clearly all 26 other people on the bus must be cool with it too.
- If someone of relative frailty is struggling to find a seat and you are a well-bodied human, stay where you are. That way, you can keep a firm eye on them to make sure they do not fall.
- On the off-chance the bus is late, be sure to jaw at the bus driver so the driver is aware of the present traffic situation and feeling fully at fault for any delays caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What you do while on it is totally up to you, as you are hopefully a fully autonomous person (as opposed to a robot)… but just remember there are sometimes up to 30 other bored people there. So take it upon yourself to entertain them by making an ass of yourself by following this guide.
