Many wondering how safe Santa’s toys are for American homes
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
A recent outcry has called into question the legitimacy—or even existence—of a screening process for the toys Santa brings America’s youth.
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even an American,” said concerned mother of three Janet Everly. “There’s no knowing what kind of things he will bring every December; the screening process is non-existent.” Everly said she is grateful for the free toys and for having the man as a centrepiece for her favorite holiday, but in this day and age it “just isn’t worth the risk” to allow Santa Claus into our homes. This December 25, Everly plans on keeping her fires burning long through the night, as her own form of protection from the terror that may be coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he expects us to feed him!” Everly commented during an interview. “First we are supposed to allow him into our country, into our homes, and still he demands milk and cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is more than prepared for a Santa-less Christmas this year, having recently purchased most of her children’s presents on sale this past Black Friday. “I had to wrestle three grown men off of a Star Wars Lego set, but a blood-stained box at 50 per cent off is better than who knows what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under investigation in a case relating to four people left dead during the Black Friday Bonanza at her local mall, but refused to comment on that under the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one finding Santa’s visit a hard pill to swallow this year, as discussion has flared up over the Internet about which side to stand on. Many are arguing that the process is too lax, and that even one bad elf could cause serious harm to American children, while others are stating that obviously Santa picks his worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself weighed in on the matter: “To think that my well-meaning elves would have anything other than goodwill towards the beautiful children and families of America is ridiculous! There is an intense interview process that each elf goes through before even being considered for work in the shop, with piles of documents for each and every one of them. It’s a very detailed and thorough process. Frankly, they’re all so thankful to get the job, there’s no way any of them would even consider trying anything sinister.”