Kids naughtier than ever before on average
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
In a shocking new study recently released by StatsNorthpole, it was found that the percentage of names moved to the Naughty list from the Nice list has taken an upwards spike in the days shortly after Christmas.
StatsNorthpole conducted a thorough study, as they do each year, surveying children from all across the globe on the satisfaction, enjoyment, and excitement of their Christmas experience. Unfortunately for the big man in the red suit, all of these sub-categories have been in decline.
StatsNorthpole worker elf Jingles McSnowflake explained that he believed there was a direct correlation between the alarming hike in naughty listed children and the decline in Christmas cheer. “It all comes down to satisfaction,” McSnowflake said. “The kids don’t like their toys, they act bratty. They throw tantrums, scream, and cry, and we have no choice but to put them on the bad list.” It was not outright spoken, but one may question whether the big man may be to blame.
“It’s ridiculous,” said recent Naughty list inductee Timothy Owens. “The toys Santa brings are crap. I sent him a thorough list explaining what I wanted: PS4 or Xbox One, and games to go with it. I was being reasonable; I was leaving some wiggle room. But no, I wake up Christmas morning, and you know what I find? A damn jack-in-the-box. Freaky little clown that pops out at you. What the hell is that, Santa?” Owens had thrown a fit on Christmas morning, tearing the jack from its box and tossing it into the living room fire.
StatsNorthpole also noted that the most requested item on Christmas lists this year were hoverboards, Xbox Ones, and Macbook Pros. Santa himself came out with a press release to address the growing concern. “We are trying our best. My elves work with wooden hammers and tiny little screwdrivers. We do not have the resources or funds to build electronics, but I can assure you that love and care is put into every rocking horse and doll that our factories turn out.” While Santa vows to continue production as planned, many elves are beginning to question the value of the work they do 365 days a year.
“What’s even the point?” said former worker elf Clappy Goodcheer. “They have us in those factories from sun up to sun down, every day of our lives, building toys that no one even wants. What is a kid going to do with a wooden figure in this day and age? My entire life has been meaningless.” Goodcheer walked out on the assembly line following the end of this Christmas, and says he means to go into another line of work. He’s currently considering spelunking dungeons or joining a fellowship.
