‘Rock, paper, scissors’ counted in as viable option
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Along with a strapping new prime minister, Canadians of 2015 also voted in favor of action and reform within our government. One such cause was the issue of electoral reform, with many believing that the old first-past-the-post system is outdated in an election with more than two parties.
In a recent statement, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that he and his ministers have thoroughly discussed, contemplated, and evaluated all possible replacements to our electoral system, and are ready to bring these possibilities forward to the people of Canada.
“First-past-the-post is NOT the way elections should be decided in Canada!” Trudeau stated on a televised broadcast. “As modern Canadians, we have striven to replace that which no longer works with better, more functional alternatives. Canadians NEED a new electoral system, and my staff and I feel we have put in the proper amount of time, effort, and research to present to Canadians the best possible options.”
Three main replacement systems have been put forward by the Liberal government, the first being a televised game of rock, paper, scissors. “Now now, I know what you’re all thinking, but I assure you that we have had political scientists work out exactly how this would be best for deciding the future of Canada for years to come,” said Trudeau. “We do not simply just get all the party leaders in a circle to play whatever hand they feel like. A complex and intricate round robin tournament of one-on-one rock paper scissors matches will be held for the entirety of October, to ensure that the victor is truly the rightful leader.”
The second replacement put forward by the Liberal government is a quicker one that holds truer to the traditional way Canadian elections have been held. “It’s pretty much a shouting match,” Trudeau stated. “All of the party leaders in one big room—televised of course—and the new prime minister doesn’t leave until all the other hopefuls have broken down in fits of emotional distress. I mean, it’s kind of what we do at the debates anyway, and people seem to get a real kick out of those.”
Thirdly, Trudeau’s favourite option is a boxing match between all the leaders, with each dressed in the colour of their party. Alliances, or “coalitions” will be allowed.
It is not clear how exactly Canadians are supposed to vote for their favourite new electoral system, as the way Canadians vote on referendums has also been called into question. “Maybe we should just do a show of hands, seems like that would be much quicker,” Trudeau said.