BREAKING: Nice guy gets girl

Local man breaks free of friend-zone

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

In an exciting turn of events this past weekend, local Vancouverite Jim Brant broke free from the tantalizing prison of the friend-zone he was in, and convinced long-time friend Natalie Luth to begin dating him.

What was once considered impossible by many self-proclaimed nice guys has become a reality for Brant, and he says that all it took was a little patience. “All I had to do was wait it out,” he said in an interview. “Every time some asshole guy would be mean to her, or cheat on her, or anything really, I would be there. It was easy enough to pretend to care. And hey, it worked out. Look at me now!” Brant explained that his strategy of being the shoulder to cry on was all a part of his plan to eventually begin dating Luth. “I mean, after all this time, I deserve it. I sat through so many chick flicks, and listened to so many breakup stories, that now, I’m reaping my reward. I’m being given what is owed to me, because I am such a nice guy.”

Luth explained how it came to her that Brant could be seen as a possible love interest. “I guess it was just his relentless whining that slowly won me over—all those passive aggressive little jabs about him being in the friend-zone. Eventually I realized that he was right.” What Luth said she likes best about her new boyfriend is all his little quirks: “It was always so cute how he would creepily half hit on me yet never have the courage to actually say how he really felt. All the little—but obvious—hints that he was the best guy for me, and way better than all my ex-boyfriends. Even when I was obviously dealing with problems of my own, it was almost genius how he managed to make it somehow about him, and how I should let him bang me.”

Luth said that a large part of how the happy couple ended up together was due to convenience. “I mean, we’re already comfortable around each other, plus his house is really close to mine.” Another factor that led to the merry union, according to Luth, was that the alternatives were beginning to look worse and worse. “It’s easy enough to find a guy online that I’m like, actually attracted to, but after a few bad hookups I think it’s just easier to play it safe. I know for a fact that Jim doesn’t have any STDs. I’m sure I’ll come to find him somewhat sexually attractive eventually. Until then, lights off I guess.”

“After all this time, it was worth pretending I was okay with being just friends,” Brant explained. “It’s really nice to finally have a nice guy win for once. About time too.”