EU will not take Britain back, no matter how much it begs

Britain really sorry, didn’t mean it

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

In the aftermath of the British referendum that found Britain leaving the European Union, many who voted to leave found themselves longing for what once was.

Britain has been adamant that it had made a mistake, and that it would like to get back into the EU. The EU is not falling for Britain’s slick ways ever again, says EU spokesperson Jenifer Jones.

“We heard Britain loud and clear when they said it was over,” Jones said in a statement to the press. “We asked them not to leave, but they chose what they chose, and they have to live with the consequences.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron stated in an interview that he wasn’t at all worried about what Jones said. “Oh, they’ll take us back, all right,” Cameron said. “They just like to put on a show that they don’t want us. It’s this cute little thing that they do.”

Controversy over the split-up has found Scotland in an awkward situation, with many of its residents stating that they “Just want to stay on good terms with everyone,” and when asked if they too would think about splitting from the EU, the Scottish Prime Minister promised: “They will work things out before I really need to pick sides… I hope.”

Recently, the EU has declared that it would like to have Albania join the ranks, filling in the spot that Britain left. Albania eagerly agreed, and the EU has found itself at 28 members, the capacity it was at before Britain decided it had better things to do.

“We are happy and honoured to have Albania beside us as we look to the future,” Jones said during the ceremony welcoming Albania, “and the inclusion of Albania has no correlation whatsoever to our past relationships with other countries that will remain nameless.”

It is rumoured that shrieking was heard from Cameron’s home not long after the ceremony was televised, though no accounts are certain.

What can be reported as fact, however, is that Britain has strengthened its ties to Canada in the days after its break from the EU, as import and export from Canada to Britain are up 150 per cent, and both countries are really happy with where they are right now.

“We have, and always will be, there for Britain in their times of need,” Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced late last Tuesday. “We are so glad that they want Canada as their partner going forward, even if we might be their second choice.”

It is reported that Cameron has stepped down from his position as Prime Minister, saying in a hurried statement: “It just wasn’t the same.”