‘You’re a mean one, Christy Clark’

Humour Christy clarke grinchOr how the government stole back-to-school

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

(With files from Dr. Seuss)

Every student down in BC liked school a lot …

But the Premier, who lived in Vancouver, did not!

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be her advisors weren’t advising her right.

It could be, perhaps, that her shoes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all.

May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

A precious province of public school-loving parents and students spent their spring and summer surely unsure about the state of school this September. Alas, these British Columbian Educational Optimists—also known as the Beos of Beoville—have been busily preparing themselves for back to school. They’ve got books! Pens! Pencils! And iPads! All they needed was a splish-splash-smidgen of confidence that their government and teachers would be able to reach a fair and reasonable settlement in order for classes to commence in a timely manner for the education of their children.

The issues are indeed complicated, confounding, and complex—it’s hard not to see the smiling face of our province’s leadership as having a vex. While the teachers argue for what they see as equitable wage increases and class sizes with the needs of all children in mind, the province, led by Premier Christy Clark, seems to have stern limits in mind. With insulting and unfair offers of forty-dollars-a-day, many local residents have expressed their dismay.

“You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile—and given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the seasick crocodile,” said Mary McPencil, when asked if she had any words for her Premier.

“You’re a bad banana, with a greasy black peel,” added local teacher, Sophia Burnaby-Coquitlam.

Parents in particular had harsh words for the Premier in light of the uncertainty and stress that the extended lack of negotiation had caused them.

“Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk,” said father-of-three, Homer Simpson, who also added, “You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich… with arsenic sauce!”