Lazy student awarded medal of honour for perfect lateness excuse

Hundreds jealous they didn’t think of it first

By Jessica Berget, Staff Writer

Confronted with hastening deadlines, an overbooked schedule, and the overwhelming urge to do absolutely nothing, one especially lazy student, Kate Tardy, has accomplished the near impossible: the perfect excuse for lateness.

“It just came to me,” she claimed during an interview. “There I was, just hanging out by myself for another evening of doing literally nothing but re-watching my favourite shows for the 10th time and scrolling through Instagram, thinking about all the work I had to do and what little time I had to do it. I was trying to think of how I could procrastinate and do nothing for even longer, and then it hit me! The perfect excuse to tell my professors and employers why all my work will be late this week. Now I can do nothing for another couple of days before the stress of doing all of my work at the very last minute suffocates and possibly kills me.”

A true feat for human kind. No excuse will ever be accepted again. The Other Press tracked down Kate’s boss and professors to find out if the excuse in question is really as perfect as they say.

“It makes every other excuse look like complete garbage,” stated Kate’s boss, Dennis Employerman. “After hearing Kate’s excuse I don’t think I could accept any other employee’s excuse ever again. They all pale in comparison to hers. I had one employee tell me their work was going to be late because they had to attend a family member’s funeral… What kind of lame ass excuse is that? I can think of no one better to award the medal of honour to than Kate. Isn’t this why they have the award in the first place?”

“Her excuse really blew me away,” declared Professor Professorman. “There was nothing I could say or do to dispute it. I couldn’t ask for a doctor’s note, I couldn’t ask her to prove it in any way, all I could do was just… accept it. It truly is the perfect excuse.”

They say the perfect excuse doesn’t exist, but Kate has undoubtedly proven this to be untrue. The Other Press followed up with Kate to ask about the success of her perfect excuse and her work, to which she replied “Oh yeah, shit, I didn’t do any of that.”

The award ceremony was set for Wednesday, May 31 at 7:00 p.m., to which Kate arrived an hour and a half late, this time with no excuse.