Authorities warn public to watch out for oncoming hipster swarm

‘We can’t afford to be caught off-guard this year’ says BC Wildlife Department

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

After the massive amount of unexpected, unrepairable damage hipsters caused to the province last year, officials from the BC Wildlife Department have issued a statement urging the public to be aware and stay safe during the large, incoming swarm expected to arrive late September.

“We do not want to leave anything to chance as September comes to a close,” stated Frank Greener, head of the department. “Last year we saw tens of thousands of dollars in damages. This year our biggest goals are to have both our homes and music tastes intact by the end of the hipsters’ seasonal migration.”

The great Canadian hipster is known to make Vancouver its habitat all year around, but sightings of the majestic creature are much more common in the fall after the swarms return from “backpacking in a country you’ve never heard about and wouldn’t understand the culture of.”

Hipsters are often recognized by their plaid clothing, beards (except for most females), and a deep, emotional emptiness. According to Greener, Hipsters are usually harmless in groups of two to five, but can become dangerous when they rise above that number.

“In large swarms they’ve been known to destroy favourite restaurants and entire genres of music in a single day,” stated Greener. “We are just making sure that the public can take the proper precautions to keep themselves and their personal tastes safe.”

Along with a statement, Greener and his team hope to step up defences this year in a number ways, including banning the purchase of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, except for those who are able to show a certificate proving they can use irony responsibly.

“I am confident that with the proper precautions we can finally start to feel safer, not only in our homes, but also in our record stores and favourite greasy spoon diners. We urge all citizens to be aware and, like with all nature, you do not want to touch it—even though it is beautiful. Please keep your distance.”

B.C. wildlife has offered these tips on how to be “Hipster Smart”:

Stay alert and be aware of your surroundings. Watch for hipster signs: Empty CD and sweater racks at thrift stores, groups of people listening to static while claiming it’s “the newest genre,” and general loitering.

Remember the calls hipsters use to establish their territory. Notify authorities if you hear them:

“Yeah, they’re great, I guess.”

“If you don’t listen to an album on an 8-track are you really even listening to it?”

“This place was way better before everyone knew about it.”

Avoid carrying things that may attract hipsters such as cassette tapes, scarves, or unicycles.

Be aware of any deep, unnecessary sarcasm used by people you meet. If someone tells you that the music you showed them is the type that “everyone can enjoy,” be alert. If they fit any of the descriptions listed above step away and alert the authorities if you see more than three in a group.